Category: sayings

My wife said to me today. “It’s typical ain’t it, I was lying down to sunbathe then the heavens opened.” I replied, “Well it must be true when they say, if a cow is lying down its going to rain?”

“What do we want?” “People to stop saying how weak and pathetic we French are” “When do we want it?” “In your own time,its really not an issue and also,sorry for shouting”

My wife wanted me to do all the washing, but I couldn’t understand the instructions on the machine. In the end I just threw the towel in.

I believe in life after death. My wife’s just died and my life’s just beginning.

Last night I said to my mate,”My wife wants to be double penetrated but lets keep it between you and me.”

My mum always told me never to put all my eggs in one basket. Which made it very difficult for me to steal from Tesco.

My little brother was born with a rare medical condition which means his arms are where his legs should be and his eyes are in the side of his head. He cant really help round the house much, but his hearts in the right place.

A Gentleman is a person who can play the accordion but doesn’t.

If I had a penny for every time I walked past a penny without picking it up, I’d have loads of pennies.

My Gran always use to say be nice to people on the way up because you might meet them on the way down. That’s why I became a window cleaner.

I learnt a very important lesson over Christmas. It doesn’t matter what gifts you get.. Because nothing will please her.

I always remember what my mum used to say to me; “Don’t pick that up; you don’t know where its been.” It always sticks in my mind when I walk into a singles bar.

A little bird told me, that my Schizophrenia is getting out of hand.

I joined the Contrarian Tramps Society last night. I beg to differ.

Oh Cul de sacs. They take me back.