Category: sayings

People who say “Things can only get better” when stuff is bad have obviously never had the misfortune of hearing Radio One Xtra.

A friend of mine always keeps his cards close to his chest. He’s got a little thalidomide hand.

My granddad always said, “What you don’t know won’t hurt you, son.” Until I beat him to death with my big book of rocket science.

Ahh if only i had a penny for everytime people told me to not take things so seriously. I’d have 17p

I witnessed a Cyclops and a pirate having a row in a bar. They just couldn’t see eye to eye.

Last night I saw a circus freak with two mouths.One at the front and the other at the back of his head. Smiles all round.

After our divorce my wife took me to the cleaners. A lift was the least she could do after being awarded the family car.

I thought I’d treat my wife to some chocolates and flowers today. But I don’t like her, so never bothered. They do say, It’s the thought that counts.

This morning, my dad said to me, “Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.” I’m sick of these mixed messages. I’m seriously considering my future as a cannibal.

How to find a needle in a haystack… Cause that’s been such a huge problem over the years for all these sewing farmers who like to do their needlework in a barn!

Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains arouse me.

“If you can’t beat him on the pitch, beat her on the dance floor” -Stewart Downing

I’ve been working like a black the last few days Which is probably why I got fired for lack of effort.

I hate people who speak for other people, and so do you.

They say ‘a picture paints 1000 words’. Apparently the exam board disagrees with this statement where 5000-word essays are concerned.