Category: puns

I went to court on suspicion of arson. They asked me quick fire questions

My son’s become a professional DJ as of late. He’s doing really well for himself, I’m just not sure about the kind of people he mixes with these days.

I once knew a guy with Alzheimer’s who got himself arrested intentionally. He didn’t know what he was in for.

When I was little I had imaginary friends and I used to play with them all the time. They were real people, i just imagined they were my friends.

What do bees do when they move into a new hive? Have a house swarming party.

“Hey man, did you see that wild pig?!” “Nah I was having a slash in the bushes.” “Oh, well don’t worry too much… it was a bore.”

Events in the last couple of days have been very damaging to boxing. Britain’s last cardboard factory has gone bust.

my entire computer has just been wiped :O it hasn’t looked this clean in years

I saw this really fit girl in the nightclub last night and she was wearing a chessboard patterned shirt….. So, I made a move on her.

I recently carried out an armed robbery at my local post office and got away with a substantial amount of cash. Unfortunately I left behind a handfull of 2p and 1p pieces which had traces of my DNA on. I got caught by the coppers.

I try and live my life by three simple motto’s: 1) ‘You only live once” 2) “Better safe than sorry” 3) “Never contradict yourself”

I slept like a dog last night. Rough.

My mate recently bought a really expensive monocle. It’s quite a spectacle.

Tottenham fans are known as the yids because of their Jewish supporters Sky sports news: anyone caught saying the word yid at any football game will get a lifetime ban How yidiotic

I got fired from my job as a prostate examiner today… Apparently shouting “Look, no hands!” is inapropriate.