Category: puns

I was approached by MI5 today. I said to them, “I’m fit, healthy, highly intelligent and patriotic. Why would I would want to sell sofas?”

I started stealing from the calender factory after being informed my job was at threat. I’ve been taking one day at a time since then.

Roses are red, Cabbage is green. Open your legs, And I’ll fill you with cream.

What a day… I went to the casino after work and blew everything. And to top it off they kicked me out for not gambling.

Apparently my local news had an announcement on how to load a gun But I never got the bulletin

My girlfriend has been depressed, recently she has started to stick wheat and corn all over one side of her body and little pigs and sheep on the other. I think she is selffarming.

I went out with a old wrinkle grape last night. you could call it a date.

I’ve just put the finishing touch to five thousand hamburgers. I’ve always relished a challenge.

For the record, I bought a vinyl cleaning machine

My friend tried to finger his girlfriend in her pee-hole and got dumped the very next day. When I tried it with my girlfriend, she found it very stimulating and pleasing. So I guess urethra got it or you haven’t.

What did the horse say to the one-legged jockey?? How are ya gettin on??

I tried to break the world record for fastest removal of a Chinese finger trap. I couldn’t pull it off.

My friend was born with a GPS locator embedded in his chest. He can be difficult, but you know exactly where you stand with him.

I accidently drank a litre of food colouring. I feel like I’m dyeing inside.

I’m gonna bounce back from this setback if my name is Rick O’Shea!