Category: people

What do you call a builder who’s 4 hours late? A day earlier than expected.

We’ll see our ends when nudists stand up for their rights.

I met Claire only a week ago, but she dumped me yesterday when deciding our names for each other. She called me her Silly Banana and so I called her my Tasty Vegetable.. Perhaps it wasn’t the best name for a quadruple amputee.

Who does Death think he is? Coming over here, taking our Jobs.

I saw this bloke heading south on the M1 thumbing a lift. So I pulled over and said ‘alright mate, where you heading?.’ London he said. I said ‘well carry on down this road you can’t miss it, and drove off.

I went over to my mates house to see his new born son. His wife was sitting on the sofa holding him and said “Would you like to wind him?”. I thought that was a bit harsh, so I gave him a Chinese Burn instead.

Are all girls claustrophobic? It’s like every single one freaks out when they’re locked in the boot of a car.

Get my coat, you’ve pulled a chauvinist.

Everyone has a right to their own opinion…except my wife The only right she gets is to the jaw!

All my friends think I’m an egotist. Or they think I have a cheesy fist, I don’t know, I just walked away and smiled after they said my name.

Fat Girls are like Buffet Food… I’ve snuck some home a few times in my days.

Your momma’s so fat…well, that’s it really…

Do you know that because your tongue shares muscles with your intercostal muscles it’s impossible to stick your tounge out and breath heavily at the same time? Good boy.

What do you call a travelling potato? Chipsy

My girlfriend went mad when she caught me reading her diary… Whilst using a megaphone in the town centre.