Category: one liner

You’re about as much use as a Nuns ovaries.

I thought that my wife might have an offset ring spanner in her handbag… My suspicions were confirmed when I found an offset ring spanner in her handbag…

Want to keep the Doctor away? There’s an Apple for that.

Was walking through the perfume stands in Debenhams today when a saleswoman came up to talk to me. “Oh, you smell nice, what fragrance is it you are wearing, Obsession by Calvin Klien?” To which I replied, “nope, it’s Lynx by.. two get one free”.

I can’t even begin to count the number of beads that just fell off my abacus

Alcohol killed my Dad. He was run over by a Carlsberg Lorry.

I hate it when I get a text but I have to wait about half an hou *some text missing*

According to BBC news, “Gene offers bowel cancer ‘shield’”. Is there no end to Hackman’s talents?

Me and my limbo team go way back.

Pride is like varnish – a transparent layer of tacky gloss that’s easily removed with alcohol.

When cracking one off with a pair of knickers on your head, don’t look in the mirror, because you look like a giant fly.

Life is like a box of chocolates. Sometimes you just end up with nuts in your mouth.

I’m sick of all the Irish stereotypes. As soon as I finish this drink, I’m punching someone.

I’ve just got off the phone with the doctor, they say I have Multiple Sclerosis… But he won’t tell me how many.

The best advice on contraception a mother can give her daughter is simply to use her head.