Category: one liner

I’m so unpopular right now, the voices inside my head aren’t even talking to me.

Michael Owen, Owen Hargreaves and Emile Heskey walk into a bar …. and ask for jobs.

I wish they had confused.com when I was a teenager.

I take apart more IKEA furniture than all the other people on my street put together.

Oh look its this weeks version of Pimp my Funeral!

I can safely say, my tonsillitis has cleared up.

I’ve Just finished the school run. I won it fairly easily, they’re only 7

When I woke up this morning my wife asked me did I sleep well? I said no, I made a few mistakes.

A true friend is someone you can call at 3am to help you bury a dead body.

I always end up arguing with cross eyed people. I can never see their point of view. Same with mutes, they’ve got nothing to say for themselves.

When you think society has rejected you and you’re alone, you come across sickipedia!

Whenever I meet someone for the first time I always talk about an obese woman walking on a frozen lake… That usually breaks the ice.

What’s the difference between stinking immigrants and Colgate. You’re less likely to find a tube full of Colgate.

I like Ginsters up to a point. The point just after the “n”.

I met this anorexic girl with such a huge rack… Of ribs.