Category: money

I’m so poo, I can’t even afford the “r”.

After falling into serious debt, I turned to Wonga… and blamed them.

I have been HIV+ for a while now and today I found an unmarked headstone in our garage. My wife said “It’s for you”. I said “Over my dead body”. She said “Yeah”

What you need to make clear when you ask your mate if he wants to “split” a hooker with you: Bring Money. Bring Condoms. Bring an Axe.

My girlfriend’s been trying to help me with my finances. I think I’d be better off a loan.

I was feeling particularly generous this year so I got a present for an Ethiopian child. A nice shiny two-pound coin. Apparently it will feed him for a month. Probably won’t do his teeth any good though.

If I had the chance, I would spend my life’s savings on a Jaguar E-Type in a heartbeat, but apparently they “cost a lot more than 2.43”.

I took my daughter to school today in my clapped-out old Fiesta. Looks like I got lucky and managed to avoid the hazardous off-road terrain the other parents obviously had to cross in their vehicles.

Was on an American flight yesterday and bought a couple of things from the in-flight bar. The air hostess said “That’s $4.50, we would appreciate it if you had the correct money, if possible sir”. So I gave her some Sterling.

I’m saving money on my energy bills. I’m using my piggy bank as a paperweight.

After coming back from the Caribbean holiday, it was straight round to the Mother-in-Law’s to show her the photos. “This is the hotel. It was gorgeous.” “This is the beach. Just look at that white sand.” “This is the pool. Oh, it was fantastic.” “And this is my favourite,” I said. “It’s the x-ray of […]

There are more important things in life than money. The trouble is they all cost money.

Why do Jews have such long life expectancies? They don’t like to buy it.

BBC news: “Reward of $5m for US agent death” You might as well make money doing something you love.

I said, “I love you, darling” My wife said, “Ah, what’s brought this on?” I said, “No reason, I just wanted to say it” She said, “Ah, well thanks honey. I love you too” I said, “Oh by the way, your mum rang. She only went and won Euromillions last night”