Someone tried selling me …
Someone tried selling me a copy of the big issue the other day. I said ‘No thanks, this shoe fits fine’.
Continue ReadingSomeone tried selling me a copy of the big issue the other day. I said ‘No thanks, this shoe fits fine’.
Continue ReadingI went out last night and when I entered the first establishment of the night I noticed right away a beautiful girl across the floor. And she was dressed up in a uniform, saucy. After waiting for a few minutes nervously I realised it was about time I approached her. So I walked across, smiled […]
Continue Reading“I’m going to Marks and Spencers love” I shouted to my wife upstairs. “Ok, see you later” she said. Having friends with names of a popular retailer is really handy.
Continue ReadingI took my new puppy for his first shots today, but the poor thing threw up everywhere. Probably should have started him on something weaker than Sambuca.
Continue ReadingI was in an old Edinburgh boozer when the barman asked: “What’ll it be, son?” I replied: “Lothian’s finest Scotch, double.” Imagine my dismay when The Proclaimers wondered in, guitars and all.
Continue ReadingWhat’s black and will kill you if it gets in your eye? A taxi.
Continue ReadingThe wife had a miscarriage, so i took her to the hospital for a routine check-up. Sat down next to another distressed looking woman and simply asked ‘miscarriage?’ ‘Yeah, this is my second one now’ she replied with a tear in her eye. ‘oh…….my wife isn’t that careless.’ Wasn’t the response she wanted to hear.
Continue ReadingSomeone who says they’re 99.9 percent sure is really not sure at all.
Continue ReadingThe whole family is at the zoo when suddenly Little Susie calls out: “Look, Mummy! That monkey looks just like Granddad.” “Shhh,” whispers Susie’s mother, glancing over at her father-in-law standing a few yards away. “Don’t say things like that in such a loud voice.” “Don’t worry,” says Little Susie, “the monkey can’t understand us.”
Continue ReadingMalt whisky is ‘a good investment’, financial advisors say. Nonsense. I invested in a truckload of the stuff years ago, and all I’ve got to show for it now is terminal cirrhosis.
Continue ReadingMy wife said seeing as it’s hot she wants a cool bath. So I’ve put a rubber duck in it, how cool’s that?
Continue ReadingI accused my wife of faking it last night, and I was right. She wasn’t sleeping.
Continue ReadingAs usual, I’ve secured the biggest bargains on deadline day. A packet of broken biscuits & a barely-expired tin of Lilt for 37p.
Continue ReadingJust put my mobile in to Airplane mode and it told me not to call it Shirley
Continue ReadingBBC NEWS: Brave Laura Robson undone by super Maria Sharapova I wished.
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