I just went to the shop a …
I just went to the shop and brought Flora light. Now I can see my margerine in the dark.
Continue ReadingI just went to the shop and brought Flora light. Now I can see my margerine in the dark.
Continue ReadingTo earn some extra money this weekend I went stripping in a pub. I turned up wearing a cowboy hat, leather chaps and a sequined thong. I had a great time, although there was some funny looks from the other painters doing the refurbishment.
Continue ReadingI think my wifes starting to suspect my covert surveillance of her movements. She thinks she’s got a stomach bug.
Continue ReadingI was doing a crossword today and I said to my wife, “Six letters…another word for a broad road in a town or city? I still haven’t got it!” “Avenue?” she said “No,” I said, “I haven’t, stop rubbing it in.”
Continue ReadingI regularly go to protests and rallies covered in salt, pepper, vinegar or various other herbs and spices. What can I say, I’m a seasoned campaigner.
Continue ReadingSince suffering horrendous facial burns, my neighbour has been knitting non stop. Despite my best intentions, she doesn’t like the new nickname I’ve given her. ‘Scarf ace’.
Continue ReadingI stopped celebrating as soon as I realised I’d misunderstood the news my girlfriend broke to me earlier. …I thought she meant Spears.
Continue ReadingMy pretentious new girlfriend took me down to her film club last night. I think I was a little out of my depth. They were all juxtaposition this and narrative that and how they adore the use of subtext. Then I was asked, “And do you have a favourite indie film?” “Err, Temple of Doom?”
Continue ReadingI was at the gym and asked the guy next to me if he’d be my spotter while I’m lifting. As I pulled my trousers down he punched me at the urinal.
Continue Reading“I brought a chinchilla back from Mexico.” “I wouldn’t worry. They can treat that sort of thing with penicillin these days.”
Continue ReadingBrothers aren’t always right. But when they are, they invent the aeroplane.
Continue ReadingI got stopped by the Police last night. ‘Have you been drink driving sir?’ asked the Police officer I was outraged so I told him ‘No, I did all my drinking at the pub. I haven’t touched a drop since I’ve been driving’
Continue ReadingI was washing the car with my son earlier, He didn’t make a very good sponge…
Continue ReadingI failed a maths exam today when I couldn’t answer the question, “Give an example of a compound number,” despite spending more than 1 hour 10 minutes thinking about it.
Continue ReadingI signed up for this ‘Kony 2012’ campaign earlier today… I can’t wait to start kidnapping, raping and pillaging!
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