Category: misunderstanding

We told Nan how our lad had grown another foot over the past few months, bless her. She’s immediately sent him another knitted sock.

My wife is going to her friend’s wedding tomorrow, She says she doesn’t have time to go shopping ’cause she’s at work, but she wants to go in a fancy dress. So I nipped into a shop in the town and got her the Cat woman outfit.

I misunderstood when I signed up to do carpentry. They said we’d be playing with wood all day and making joints.

I got to the last stage of Take Me Out and Paddy told me to put two girls’ lights out. Guess who’s in court tomorrow with a double murder charge.

My wife said I show no sympathy for the children in slave labour. “You should try putting yourself in their shoes!” She said. So I went and bought a pair of trainers from Primark.

“What would you like?” says the barman. “What would I like?” says Bob. “A bigger house, more money and a more attractive wife.” “No,” says the barman, patiently. “I meant what do you want?” “To win the lottery, for my mother-in-law to die and for my child to be born healthy!” “What’s it to be?” […]

I said to my wife, “I’m tired of looking in this mirror and seeing my big beer belly, so I’m going to do something about it.” She replied, “Excellent idea. You’re going to start working out at the gym then?” “Don’t be silly. I’m buying a shorter mirror.”

Me and the wife went to a new Thai restaurant last night, we both ordered. When the food came I asked the waitress, “Have you got any seasoning?” “Num Prik” she replied I said “No, my wife’s fine, but I’d like some salt.”

I threatened a woman with a push chair the other day. In hindsight, maybe a knife would’ve been more menacing.

Everybody makes mistakes, take god for example. When the first European’s prayed for all black men to be hung, there must have been a slight mix up.

Got to be hard to take, living in an East London block of flats that has a fully operational ground-to-air missile system and a broken lift

My wife said to me this morning that she would like a bit more adventure in the bedroom. She’s going to be well happy when she gets home later, I’ve put up an abseiling wall and a zip-line coming off the top of the wardrobe.

I got thrown out of JJB Sports yesterday. 20% off of head, isn’t what I thought.

I was rowing my boat up a river today when I saw a guy looking quite agitated on the bank. “Where do you want to be mate?” I asked. “The the other side,” He answered. “Hop in, I think I can get you there” I replied. And when he did I stabbed him in the […]

My girlfriend told me she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.