Sunday Times: Recent deve …
Sunday Times: Recent developments have shown that the Dursleys have found a figure of 161 million in their bank.
Continue ReadingSunday Times: Recent developments have shown that the Dursleys have found a figure of 161 million in their bank.
Continue ReadingMy mate phoned me up the other day, and said “have you been watching the ladies Ryder cup, its brilliant?” I was disappointed when I found out it was Golf.
Continue ReadingI saw an old friend today and he told me his first baby was due on the 13th “That’s unlucky you know” “What?” He replied “Having to look after a kid”
Continue ReadingWaiting to board a ferry, a woman collapses and cracks her head on a mooring bollard. As a crowd gathers, her husband stands up and scans the queue. “Help!” he shouts. “Anyone! Is there a doctor here?!” A bloke fights his way forward, “Make way, stand back please. Thankyou” “Thank God!” says her husband. The […]
Continue ReadingMy wife wants a period drama boxset for Christmas. Pack of 24 Tampax should do nicely.
Continue ReadingAfter I boarded the plane, I sat down in my seat next to this old lady. I grasped the arm rest, being a little anxious. “Nervous?” asked the old lady. I replied, “Just a little.” “First time?” she asked. I replied, “No, I’ve been nervous numerous times.”
Continue Reading“It doesn’t mean anything, honey! ‘Oh God’ is something all women shout in bed!” Joseph was not convinced.
Continue ReadingI sent a text to my wife by mistake, luckily it also contained a typo: “I’m on my way to puck up my daughter at the park” I received a text back saying “Okay, but I think you meant *pick…” That was lucky.
Continue ReadingI was in the pub yesterday when I shouted out, “I’ve got a really funny Irish joke” However a big Irishman stopped me and said, “Be careful, I’m Irish” So I replied, “Don’t worry, I will tell it slowly”
Continue ReadingMy house was raided last night by immigration officials. They told me my tenants were illegal immigrants and that I must have noticed something by the fact that they didn’t speak a word of English. I told them I didn’t know what they were talking about.
Continue ReadingThe other day my car kept stalling whenever I went to take off. So I phoned my dad and he asked me what gear I was in. I replied “Just my jeans and t-shirt”
Continue ReadingI’ve just been to see a fortune teller and she told me that this month I’m going to win a fortune on the lottery. She then looked at her Crystal ball and said, “And in December……….. well that’s amazing…… and they say lightning never strikes twice.” I said, “What, I’m going to win the lottery […]
Continue ReadingAs I was laying my jacket across a puddle to allow my blind wife to cross the road I thought to myself, ‘chivalry certainly isn’t dead.’ But she is after I failed to notice the number 6 bus.
Continue ReadingJust signed up for that “Fantasy Football League” with Sky, where they give you a 75 Million budget. Still trying to find out how to withdraw it to my bank account…
Continue ReadingAfter being late for three days in a row my boss went,”Three days now,don’t you have a watch?” I went,”No but I do have a broken stopwatch.” He went,” That doesn’t count.” I went,”I know but it used to.”
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