My girlfriend told me I c …
My girlfriend told me I could ‘smash her back door in’ yesterday. Apparently I misunderstood.. and now her parents are charging me for criminal damage
Continue ReadingMy girlfriend told me I could ‘smash her back door in’ yesterday. Apparently I misunderstood.. and now her parents are charging me for criminal damage
Continue Reading“Mrs. Brown,” says the doctor, “what your husband needs for a full recovery is absolute peace and quiet.” “See?” says Mrs. Brown. “That’s exactly what I tell him a thousand times a day.”
Continue ReadingThe other day, I was walking down the road when I realised somebody was following me. Being scared, I started to run and so did he. He shouted “stop, Police!” What an Idiot! My name’s Paul.
Continue ReadingI am very happy today. I have just overheard my parents saying they think I have special knees.
Continue Readingmy girlfriend just sent me a text saying “I < 3 U". If i can remember my inequalities correctly,i believe it means "One is less than 3" so i sent a reply saying "I agree"
Continue ReadingMy mate said to me, “I was playing with your mum’s flaps last night! Haha!” I said, “Why is that funny, and what on earth were you doing underneath her car?”
Continue ReadingI went to the Doctor because I was having trouble sleeping. “Hmm..,” he said, “It sounds like insomnia.” “Aww.. C’mon Doc…. I’m too tired for guessing games… Can’t you just tell what it is?”
Continue ReadingI Was walking through the London underground and saw a man holding a cup, looking rather glum. So, being the kind person, I am; I chucked some of my change in his cup. As a splash of his hot coffee hit me in the face, I instantly realised he wasn’t actually homeless.
Continue ReadingI saw a sign in the hospital that read ‘Burn Victims’ I was gutted that I’d left my petrol can at home.
Continue ReadingI asked my wife what she’d like for her birthday. “Ooh, I don’t know,” she giggled, “Surprise me!” So I’ve got her an inflatable crocodile. She’ll never be expecting that.
Continue ReadingI went for an interview this afternoon. I was asked “What experience do you have with the subject matter for this role?” I replied “I have a great experience with them and use them on a regular basis for work and pleasure”. I never did hear back from the Child Protection Agency. Or the RSPCA. […]
Continue ReadingLast year my wife was furious that I missed her birthday, and insisted that in future I should plan at least two months in advance. Well it’s her birthday in 8 weeks time, and I’m pleased to say I’ve already bought her her present. She’s going to love these flowers.
Continue ReadingI had a meeting with my job advisor today. “Where have you applied for jobs?” He asked “I tried the local bookies,” I said. “Any luck?” “Yeah, I won a tenner on the 3:15 at York,” I replied.
Continue ReadingA google search led me to the “Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network website” – RAINN.org. I have to admit I was disappointed by their “get involved” section.
Continue ReadingI took my boots to the cobbler, I said “I want these soled”. I went back the next day he gave me 10. He said “i’ve sold them”
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