Category: misunderstanding

“I want to be a millionaire. Just like my dad!” “Wow, your dad’s a millionaire?” “No, but he always wanted to be.”

Just heard the sad news that a friend of mine has died after choking on his own vomit. Tragic. How desperate must you be to even consider eating your own vomit?

Me and my wife played a fun new game i think it’s called ‘silly questions’ She started with “Darling do you still love me after 10 years of marriage?” I followed up with “Why do you never see a wasp having a dump?”

Bought a jumper from TK Maxx before with 30% off. It was a T-Shirt.

My boss said, “You’ve been late into the store nearly every day since you started here. Well not any more. Do you understand?” “Yeah I think so. You’re going to make the opening times later.”

I got on a bus last night. The female conductor said, “Hold very tight please.” … I’m due in court next month.

People are always trying to raise the awareness of cancer. But what is so important about people who are born in July?

My wife told me that she was in a lot of pain recently and eventually she asked me to get her some Opium. It didn’t relieve her pain, unfortunately. But she smells good.

“I can sleep for England.” Apparently isn’t a good enough excuse as to why I fell asleep at my sentry-post.

My wife reckons I’m as thick as two short planks. Wish I was a bit longer though.

My landlord is due to star in Oliver Twist at the local theatre soon. He’s not very good at remembering his lines though. He rang me up this morning and said, “Consider yourself evicted”.

I was telling my wife how we should really buy a lottery ticket this week. “Roll over?” she said. Now I’m on the floor.

I was in the garden with my wife when she winked at me and said ‘Do you want me to, you know, go down?’. ‘Sure’ I replied ‘Just let me get my shovel’.

‘Orange customers can now use T-Mobile signal as a boost’ Why does this only apply to people with fake tan?

My girlfriend just text me saying: “Come home now if you want an extravaganza ;)” I’m really excited, I don’t even know what a Vaganza is.