Category: food and drink

I was eating my supper on my sofa last night when I suddenly thought: “A plate would probably be better.”

Two guys attacked me the other day – one threw baking soda on me while the other sprinkled me with vinegar. I think they wanted a reaction

I took my six year old boy swimming today. I left his armbands at home and naturally he started to worry that he might sink to the bottom of the pool. Disaster averted though, I ran to the vending machine and bought two bags of Walkers crisps and tied them to his arms.

Revels. A game of “Russian Roulette” if you’ve got a nut allergy.

“Where’ve you been?” asked my wife. “Running.” I replied. “Have the Olympics inspired you then?” she said. “No, the off-licence was about to close.”

What do you call killing a mother, chopping her up and cooking her inside her own babies? A chicken omellete

Even the thought of my wife’s mashed potato brings a lump to my throat.

I was sat at the table eating my kebab last night. “Sir, could you please take that tub of garlic off black 20,” asked the roulette dealer.

Walkers Lights. Because Walkers standard bags of crisps aren’t empty enough.

I promised the wife the Ritz for her birthday treat, i didnt disappoint. One whole pack of cheese crackers working their way to her now……

I needed a camera with a huge zoom so i phoned up mcdonalds and asked them what they use to show burgers on their adverts

Carlsberg, I’m hearing a lot of “Ifs” but seeing very little in the way of actual progress.

A Sub has reached Earth’s deepest place. Plans for a Big Mac to climb Mount Everest have already begun.

Mexican Food: It’s all the same just folded differently.

I’m yet to form an opinion on Marmite. Take that society.