When I was growing up my …
When I was growing up my Grannie used to give me one pound each week. That was quite a lot of money in the 70’s. But she said it was the least she could do after I’d gone down on her.
Continue ReadingWhen I was growing up my Grannie used to give me one pound each week. That was quite a lot of money in the 70’s. But she said it was the least she could do after I’d gone down on her.
Continue ReadingA husband and wife are sitting round the table with their three daughters eating dinner when the oldest of the three asks her parents, “Why was I named Daisy?” “Well,” said her mother, “when you were born a daisy flew in threw the window and gently landed on your forehead so we thought it would […]
Continue ReadingTwo old ladies are having a cigarette outside the old folks home and it starts to rain. One of them suddenly pulls a condom out of her handbag, unravels it and puts it over the cigarette so it doesn’t get wet. “Ooh, what’s that, Betty?” the other asks. “It’s called a condom, they sell them […]
Continue ReadingMy wife’s just told me she expecting her mum to come round for dinner on Christmas Day. I’m disappointed. I thought I’d hit her so hard she’s be unconscious till February at least…..
Continue ReadingA blank screen a day keeps your mother away.
Continue ReadingIn case you wondered, Father’s Day is to thank Dad for nailing your mother. Mother’s Day is to thank Mum for not swallowing you.
Continue ReadingA young boy comes running up to a policeman and says “Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father’s in a fight.” Sure enough, they get back to the bar and there’s three guys fighting like you wouldn’t believe. The cop turns to the kid and says “Okay, which one’s your father?” […]
Continue Reading“I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed.” Not a good thing to hear from your dad. Unless, of course, your dad is Dr. Bruce Banner.
Continue ReadingAccording to social services, I’m not the great parent I claim to be. Apparently my son is in a meningitis induced coma and not hibernating.
Continue ReadingMy wife’s like a Toyota; when she starts, she never stops.
Continue ReadingI’m going to call my new-born son “Names”, so that name-calling isn’t a problem when he’s older.
Continue ReadingMet an old friend today. She told me she lost her mum last week. “Oh, that’s awful,” I said. “Have you tried retracing your steps, she might still be where you left her.” Some people just can’t take a joke!
Continue ReadingI’m always dead awkward around relatives, I can never say the right thing. Just the other day my gran said ‘Look! You’re growing a beard!’ Apparently , ‘So are you’ is not an appropriate response.
Continue ReadingThe wife asked me to take the Mother in Law out last night……. a good right hook did the trick !
Continue ReadingMy philosophy on life is to ignore things until they go away. Apparently this is an unacceptable approach to parenting.
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