Category: children

My girlfriend recently had a phantom pregnancy. We now have a little baby ghost.

I had a beautiful baby girl this morning. Her mother’ll kill me if I can’t find it before she gets home

I really am turning into my father. I have a disappointing son.

My daughter told me that there is a monster who lives in her wardrobe at night. I told her “Don’t be silly, that’s just daddy watching you slee… Yes there is… A big one.”

“But daddy, isn’t this wrong” “No, all the girls your age do this with their dads. Now get on this and ride like you have never ridden before…… And if you can’t I’ll put your stabilisers back on.”

“Children to face fitness tests”. Wouldn’t mind being the judge of that. I think most kids are pretty fit…

Youth olympics. Giving paedophiles a social meeting place since 2010.

I love it when it starts getting dark when the kids are finishing school.

I said to my son, “Would you like to play a little game for money?” He said, “Ok, what’s the game?” I said, “Every time you kick your mum’s backside, I’ll give you twenty pence.” Best 17.60 I’ve ever spent.

I hate child abuse hurts my hands..

I came home from work today and my mother-in-law was there playing cards with my young son. I said to him, “You having a good time son?” He replied, “Yeah Dad, but you were wrong. I’ve counted them all and Gran is playing with a full deck of cards.”

My 7 year old son wet himself this morning and all I said was “Urine trouble?” and he wet himself again. Now that’s power.

My wife’s upset that I give 10 quid a month to send orphans to school in Africa. “You promised to take care of my sister’s children after she died!” she screamed.

Screw these cartoons, I know a much more effective way to stop child abuse, hand out baseball bats to children.

I was so ugly as a child that I had a tinted incubator.