I’ve decided to pitch my …
I’ve decided to pitch my new programme idea in the Dragon’s Den. It’s where I go around mugging homeless people to see how much money they have… It’s going to be called Cash in the Addict.
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BBC news headline: “Woman …
BBC news headline: “Woman killed in South Yorkshire flat ‘drowned in bath’” What a pointless trip from South Yorkshire to Bath just to drown a dead woman.
Continue ReadingIncest, Now thats somethi …
Incest, Now thats something I can relate to
Continue ReadingMy horse has been banned …
My horse has been banned from racing on suspicion I was giving him steroids. Apparently another horse looked at him funny in the paddock and he ripped off a piece of fence and started beating him with it.
Continue ReadingThere was a kidnapping in …
There was a kidnapping in my town today. She slept for 4 hours.
Continue ReadingThe safest place to be du …
The safest place to be during a plane crash is curled up in a fetal position on the floor as far away as possible from a plane crash.
Continue ReadingI’ve just blown a trumpet …
I’ve just blown a trumpet. It didn’t move very far.
Continue ReadingWhy did the neutrino cros …
Why did the neutrino cross the road? To see itself on the other side.
Continue ReadingMy boss said I shouldn’t …
My boss said I shouldn’t have come into work today because I was a bit under the weather. To be fair, I’m airline pilot and should’ve been 16,000ft above it.
Continue ReadingJust heard that there is …
Just heard that there is going to be “training for Mars” thats one way to get obese people to exercise.
Continue ReadingI perform arguably the be …
I perform arguably the best stand up in the world… Straight up.
Continue ReadingGod I hate advertising. …
God I hate advertising. have you seen what Orange have done to Cheryl?
Continue ReadingWhen I couldn’t remember …
When I couldn’t remember the name of the dog in The Wizard Of Oz, my wife started giving me clues. I soon put To and to together.
Continue ReadingWhat’s 6 inches long and …
What’s 6 inches long and likes a good pound? A piggy bank.
Continue ReadingOnce every two weeks I sl …
Once every two weeks I sleep under my sofa cushions, it’s a fort night
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