I realise now the secret …
I realise now the secret to comedy is timing… I should have waited for that black guy to leave the room before I started the joke
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I love going to see my fe …
I love going to see my female gynaecologist… She has such genital hands.
Continue ReadingThe other day, I was aske …
The other day, I was asked to inspect some sand. It looked fine to me.
Continue Readingmy only goal in life is t …
my only goal in life is to own my own pub and call it “The Go-Go Gadget Arms”
Continue ReadingThe bee. Nature’s very ow …
The bee. Nature’s very own suicide bomber.
Continue ReadingI was having a prostate e …
I was having a prostate examination the other day and it got really awkward about halfway through, the Doctor I’d made my appointment with walked in…
Continue ReadingThe REAL definition of ir …
The REAL definition of irony. God giving women wisdom teeth.
Continue ReadingI used to rip it out of t …
I used to rip it out of the fat kids. Then I lost my job as a liposuction surgeon.
Continue ReadingSo, BA’s cabin crew say t …
So, BA’s cabin crew say they’re not going to work for 12 days over Christmas. This truly is a black day for British Airways.
Continue ReadingMy next door neighbour is …
My next door neighbour is a lovely lady, she’s always happy to fix my favourite pair of jeans. Or sew its seams.
Continue ReadingI sometimes call my local …
I sometimes call my local Indian takeaway just for a chat.
Continue ReadingHit me at 40 and there’s …
Hit me at 40 and there’s an 80% I’ll die. Hit me at 30 and there’s an 80% chance I’ll live. I wonder how many kids they killed to get those statistics.
Continue ReadingMy wife thinks my gamblin …
My wife thinks my gambling addiction is getting worse. “You’ve even started spread betting,” she said. “I’m sorry love,” I cried, “but I got really good odds on our son having marmalade on his toast this morning.”
Continue ReadingA man walks into a bar an …
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink while he waits for the punchline.
Continue ReadingI went on a guided tour o …
I went on a guided tour of an organic pesticide factory and all I got was this lousey T-shirt.
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