I’ve been trying to get o …
I’ve been trying to get over my fear of the stairs, but it’s an uphill struggle.
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My brother was diagnosed …
My brother was diagnosed with leprosy in 2009 Hes been falling apart ever since.
Continue ReadingIn a lot of Greek legends …
In a lot of Greek legends, people are impregnated by animals, even though we now know this is a physical impossibility. It was a common myth-conception.
Continue ReadingI’ve just read somewhere …
I’ve just read somewhere that the most dangerous thing in the kitchen is the chip pan. The most dangerous thing in my kitchen is me without a sandwich!
Continue ReadingI just bought a straight …
I just bought a straight piece of plastic. It rules. ———————————————————— I just bought a grey lump of limestone. It rocks. ———————————————————— I just bought a Dyson. It sucks. ———————————————————— I just bought a fridge, it’s cool
Continue ReadingWalked into a nightclub t …
Walked into a nightclub the other night wearing my ref’s kit, pushed my way through the crowd, placed a football in the middle of the dance floor & blew my whistle. It kicked off.
Continue Reading“Well Mrs Smith, it may h …
“Well Mrs Smith, it may have taken three months and a dozen lessons, but i’m delighted to say that you’ve finally mastered it.” “Now that you can fasten your seatbelt, we’ll move on to starting the engine.”
Continue ReadingA hippie has choked to de …
A hippie has choked to death on health food. Police say he died of natural courses.
Continue ReadingLast night, my wife asked …
Last night, my wife asked me to put the dinner on. I’m now recovering in a burns unit covered in lasagne.
Continue ReadingWhat has four wheels and …
What has four wheels and flies? A dustbin truck.
Continue ReadingA man goes into the libra …
A man goes into the library and asks if they have any books on gullibility. The librarian says sure but there’s a fifty quid deposit on them.
Continue ReadingI recently seperated from …
I recently seperated from my partner of 20 years, and I feel like I’ve lost a huge part of me. I guess most siamese twins go through this after the operation.
Continue ReadingI brought a giant ladle w …
I brought a giant ladle with a picture of the union jack on it into the Indian restaurant where I work. It caused quite a stir.
Continue ReadingA vet told me today that …
A vet told me today that my fish has got cancer. I’m gutted, and now so is he. It was either that or Nemotheropy and I didn’t want to see him suffer.
Continue ReadingDon’t use a big word wher …
Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
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