Looking forward to perfor …
Looking forward to performing my contortionist act tomorrow night for the very first time. I can hardly contain myself.
Continue ReadingAuthor: qjoq.com
I earn a seven-figure sal …
I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there’s a decimal point involved.
Continue ReadingWomen are like hoovers, o …
Women are like hoovers, once you turn them on they won’t stop sucking.
Continue ReadingWispa Duo: cunningly con …
Wispa Duo: cunningly convincing fat birds that they have enough will power to save the other half for later, whilst actually selling them twice as much chocolate. Speeding them towards a lardy grave, Cadbury’s I salute you.
Continue ReadingI Was walking through the …
I Was walking through the London underground and saw a man holding a cup, looking rather glum. So, being the kind person, I am; I chucked some of my change in his cup. As a splash of his hot coffee hit me in the face, I instantly realised he wasn’t actually homeless.
Continue ReadingIf you can’t beat em, jus …
If you can’t beat em, just have your eggs fried.
Continue ReadingI was walking down a stre …
I was walking down a street in Paris when a guy gave me a bunch of small onions for free. So I said, “Thank shallot”
Continue ReadingI flashed a woman today, …
I flashed a woman today, she pulled out and thanked me
Continue ReadingI used to love tapeworms. …
I used to love tapeworms. Until CD worms took over
Continue ReadingI told my wife that her n …
I told my wife that her new dress reminds me of a cured epileptic. “It’s a miracle?” She asked. “Try again” I replied. “OK, urmm… you really like it?” She implored. “Nope” I responded. “OK, I give up, why does my new dress remind you of a cured epileptic?” She Inquired “It doesn’t fit”
Continue ReadingI’ve just bought a lovely …
I’ve just bought a lovely little old cottage. It’s got sanitary towels stuck to most of the walls, tampons hanging from the ceiling and blood on most of the carpets. I wanted one with a lot of period features.
Continue ReadingA friend asked me, “What …
A friend asked me, “What do you think of O J Simpson?” “A freakin’ maniac.” “He may be a maniac but just because he’s black doesn’t mean he’s from Africa you racist.”
Continue ReadingSamoa. The answer to “Wha …
Samoa. The answer to “What’s that in the shed?”
Continue Reading‘In many things, being fi …
‘In many things, being first is very important & can give you an advantage.’ I told my young son ‘Aardvark’ earlier.
Continue ReadingMy building firm has been …
My building firm has been accused of gross negligence in constructing a block of flats that later collapsed. I think it’s entirely without foundation.
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