Today my doctor hit my kn …
Today my doctor hit my knee with a hammer and made it jerk. The nerve.
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Someone told me that my h …
Someone told me that my hair makes me look fat. So I decided to diet.
Continue ReadingMy friend said to me yes …
My friend said to me yesterday ‘you understand sarcasm really well’ I didn’t think i did, but maybe i’m wrong.
Continue ReadingI attended a seminar at u …
I attended a seminar at uni today when the tutor claimed he’d once eaten a man’s liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. Must’ve been a Hannibal Lecture.
Continue ReadingWhen a mermaid dies, is i …
When a mermaid dies, is it possible to hollow her out and use her as a sleeping bag?
Continue ReadingI am very happy today. I …
I am very happy today. I have just overheard my parents saying they think I have special knees.
Continue ReadingWacky Tie Tuesdays, Hawai …
Wacky Tie Tuesdays, Hawaiian Shirt Wednesdays, Silly Hat Thursday… And I get the sack for Nude Fridays.
Continue ReadingI got into trouble drinki …
I got into trouble drinking whilst behind the wheel yesterday. A pikey caught me fingering his bird at the fairground.
Continue ReadingWhat do you call a deer w …
What do you call a deer with no eyes? Anything – however don’t expect the deer to register your language.
Continue ReadingMy mum was a firm believe …
My mum was a firm believer in the phrase, “You can’t have your cake and eat it.” Needless to say, I had some depressing birthday parties.
Continue ReadingI’ve gathered you here be …
I’ve gathered you here because I’d like to say a few words. A few words.
Continue ReadingI got a text from my Ex l …
I got a text from my Ex last night. “There is sumthing missin from my hart since u left me”. I replied, “That would be an ‘e’ love”.
Continue ReadingMark Zuckerberg’s wedding …
Mark Zuckerberg’s wedding reception was going well. But, just as everyone had got used to the seating arrangement, he changed the layout for no apparent reason.
Continue Reading“So, two of you fell off …
“So, two of you fell off the riverboat as it entered the bend?” “Yes” I said, “Meander.”
Continue ReadingI was walking down the st …
I was walking down the street with my dogs when this man said, “Are they Jack Russells?” I said, “No, they’re mine.”
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