I’ve invested in a compan …
I’ve invested in a company who claimed they could get potatoes skinless in minutes but ended up losing a fortune. It sounded appealing at the time.
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I used to be a cat burgla …
I used to be a cat burglar but I finally came to my senses: cats don’t have much!
Continue ReadingMy daughter said, “Dad, c …
My daughter said, “Dad, can my new boyfriend come for tea?” I said, “That depends sweetheart, what’s his name?” “Corey” She replied. “Corey what?” I asked. She said, “Corey Ossity.” I said, “I suppose so, but don’t let him near the cat.”
Continue ReadingPandas have two eyes, ter …
Pandas have two eyes, terrorists have two eyes. Coincidence? I think not.
Continue ReadingI feel sorry for zero. It …
I feel sorry for zero. It’ll never amount to anything.
Continue ReadingI wanted Cheryl Cole to h …
I wanted Cheryl Cole to have a Christmas no.1 On my face.
Continue ReadingGrr I get more pop-ups th …
Grr I get more pop-ups then gary glitter at a daycare centre
Continue ReadingMy butcher’s running a to …
My butcher’s running a tombola and has just sold me a ticket. I’m in for the chop.
Continue ReadingPeople often tell me I’m …
People often tell me I’m very presumptuous. I think you know where I’m going with this…
Continue ReadingWhen I’m bored and feelin …
When I’m bored and feeling down, I like to put my whole vodka collection in to a lift and press up…. It really raises my spirits.
Continue ReadingI’ve just developed a mat …
I’ve just developed a mathematical equation which when fed into a computer taps out the names of American presidential candidates in Morse code. It’s working well, I’m very pleased with the al-gore-rhythm.
Continue ReadingMy wife is always moaning …
My wife is always moaning about me never wearing any of my old clothes. So yesterday I decided to put on a pair of shorts that I hadn’t worn for a few years. It’s lucky I did really, I found a 1 note in the pocket.
Continue ReadingLegend has it that an inf …
Legend has it that an infinite number of monkeys sat at an infinite number of typewriters will eventually produce the entire works of Shakespeare. Thanks to the Internet, we now know this not to be true.
Continue ReadingKids may be expensive but …
Kids may be expensive but i suppose you never know when you gonna need a kidney.
Continue ReadingI saved loads of cash on …
I saved loads of cash on the new iPhone yesterday. I didn’t buy one.
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