Me: My fat wife is on a t …
Me: My fat wife is on a three week diet. Mate: How much has she lost so far? Me: Two weeks.
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I was named after my gran …
I was named after my grandfather. Well I wasn’t going to be named before him, was I?
Continue ReadingShopkeepers – show you ca …
Shopkeepers – show you care for your loyal customers by clearing away all the snow from the path outside your store, leaving only a thin film of sheet ice underfoot for them to walk on.
Continue ReadingI just told my wife that …
I just told my wife that I was planning to attach a giant helium balloon to my new yacht. “Whatever floats your boat…” she replied.
Continue ReadingI’m still awaiting the ar …
I’m still awaiting the arrival of my new book from Ebay, ‘How To Avoid Internet Scams’.
Continue ReadingA little boy at school on …
A little boy at school on his first day was asked by the teacher what his name was. The boy replied, “Six and seven-eighths”. The teacher asked him why his parents had given him such a strange name and he replied, “They just picked it out of a hat”.
Continue ReadingI’m a surgeon in Liposuct …
I’m a surgeon in Liposuction. I prefer to call it Waist Disposal.
Continue ReadingMy Butcher is selling mea …
My Butcher is selling meat on hire purchase. But you have to have a joint account.
Continue ReadingI said to the wife, “I’ve …
I said to the wife, “I’ve been to Asda today and I got three, yes, three, trolleys full of food for 7 quid. Beat that then.” She said, “Good for you!” I said, “No, smart price.”
Continue ReadingThe deadliest disease tha …
The deadliest disease that can be spread on the London Underground… Tuberculosis.
Continue ReadingIs it me or has every mem …
Is it me or has every member of the “ban sickipedia” groups on facebook only joined to ridicule the creators…
Continue ReadingI have been trying to mak …
I have been trying to make a sentence in which I use the words to and too next to each other. But I just can’t seem to put to and too together. ——————– I tried to too!
Continue ReadingI told a Tulisa joke in t …
I told a Tulisa joke in the pub last night to all my mates, but it didn’t go down very well.
Continue ReadingI’ve been told that I nee …
I’ve been told that I need to stop abbreviating words but I just cba.
Continue ReadingI’ve founded a company fi …
I’ve founded a company fixing car ignitions. It’s a start up business.
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