I woke up this morning an …
I woke up this morning and my wife had me in a headlock. I think she had a wrestlers nights sleep.
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I was food shopping with …
I was food shopping with my wife when I came across something that was utterly shocking. “Look at this!” I said. “It contains 95% fat!” “You’re just pointing at me in a mirror,” she replied.
Continue ReadingI’m typing this from my h …
I’m typing this from my hospital bed and I’m having problems understanding the accent of my East European nurse, so a moment ago I simply smiled and nodded. Considering what is happening now, I hope he said “Do you want an enema?”.
Continue ReadingWhat has eight legs and o …
What has eight legs and one eye? Two chairs and half a pig’s head.
Continue ReadingAfter being late for thre …
After being late for three days in a row my boss went,”Three days now,don’t you have a watch?” I went,”No but I do have a broken stopwatch.” He went,” That doesn’t count.” I went,”I know but it used to.”
Continue ReadingBabysitter Best Friend’s …
Babysitter Best Friend’s Sister Female Colleague Neighbour’s Wife Wife’s Best Friend That’s me got my affairs in order.
Continue ReadingI let nerves get the bett …
I let nerves get the better of me before a big job interview yesterday. At least I think it was nerves. It was either that or my M.S.
Continue ReadingWe told Nan how our lad h …
We told Nan how our lad had grown another foot over the past few months, bless her. She’s immediately sent him another knitted sock.
Continue ReadingMy little girl isn’t obes …
My little girl isn’t obese..she’s kidnap resistant.
Continue ReadingAnyway to cut a long stor …
Anyway to cut a long story sho…
Continue ReadingTwo pencils decided to ha …
Two pencils decided to have a race. They drew.
Continue ReadingThere are so many Bernard …
There are so many Bernard Matthews jokes about already. Talk about hopping on the bandwagon. I bet he’s twizzling in his grave!
Continue ReadingI heard a bloke singing, …
I heard a bloke singing, “Do… Re… Mi…” the other day. I thought to myself, “He’ll go Far.”
Continue ReadingCheese has holes. The mor …
Cheese has holes. The more cheese you have, the more holes you have. The more holes you have, the less cheese you have. Conclusion: The more cheese you have, the less cheese you have.
Continue ReadingI recently penned a book …
I recently penned a book about how to deal with being an orphan. Its nothing to write home about.
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