Went to a fancy dress par …
Went to a fancy dress party as a bottle of pop, but got mugged on the way home. The ambulance arrived and asked how I was. I replied “I’m alright, just a bit shaken up”
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I’ve recently become a me …
I’ve recently become a member of a Nigerian philosophy group. We all meet up once a month and swap ID’s
Continue ReadingI went game fishing today …
I went game fishing today. I came home with 4 Monopoly sets, 2 Scrabble and a Buckaroo.
Continue ReadingI’ve just had dealings wi …
I’ve just had dealings with the Monopolies Commission. Came away with an iron, a top hat and a racing car.
Continue ReadingTwo climbers dead on Mont …
Two climbers dead on Mont Blanc Must have been a bad bottle?
Continue ReadingThe clocks go back tonigh …
The clocks go back tonight. Problem is, im not sure where they came from
Continue ReadingI bought my girlfriend so …
I bought my girlfriend some latex gloves because it said on the packet, “Ideal for all hand jobs.” So she put the gloves on, pulled my underwear down and took them over to the washing machine. I wouldn’t have touched them without gloves either.
Continue ReadingWaiting to board a ferry, …
Waiting to board a ferry, a woman collapses and cracks her head on a mooring bollard. As a crowd gathers, her husband stands up and scans the queue. “Help!” he shouts. “Anyone! Is there a doctor here?!” A bloke fights his way forward, “Make way, stand back please. Thankyou” “Thank God!” says her husband. The […]
Continue ReadingWhat’s the difference bet …
What’s the difference between Americans and sumo wrestlers? Americans make sumo wrestlers look anorexic.
Continue ReadingYou know you’re in a roug …
You know you’re in a rough pub when they’ve got the Racing Channel on.
Continue ReadingI was talking to my girlf …
I was talking to my girlfriend about Yoga. She said it could cure all illness and disease. I think it’s a stretch.
Continue ReadingI’ve been trying to teach …
I’ve been trying to teach my son the importance of honesty. Today when I came home I discovered that he had found my nail gun and destroyed my entire vinyl collection. I went up to his room and asked him if he knew who did it. “It was me, dad.” He replied. “Good son, and […]
Continue ReadingPeople who have Bluetooth …
People who have Bluetooth handsets need a clip round the ear.
Continue ReadingWhen the wife denied me, …
When the wife denied me, I beat her with a bamboo cane & gave her two black eyes. One way or another, she’ll pander to my needs.
Continue ReadingIsn’t it fitting that whe …
Isn’t it fitting that when you want to correct or improve something you’ve written you ‘white out’, but when you don’t want people to see the truth you ‘black out’.
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