I was walking down the st …
I was walking down the street the other day and a guy across the road stared and shouted, “Oi…bender.” “How dare you call my poodle that!” I replied,
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Emile Heskey is on the lo …
Emile Heskey is on the look out for a club. He missed the ball and it flew out of his hand during a game of golf earlier.
Continue ReadingI’ve just seen a bunch of …
I’ve just seen a bunch of people raiding amusic shop stealing violins and trumpets, so I’ve decided to step in. I’m taking a stand.
Continue ReadingMy nan used to say “If yo …
My nan used to say “If you eat the crusts of the bread it will make your hair go curly.” She wasn’t wrong. I cannot for the life of me straighten my pubic hair.
Continue ReadingI walked into B & Q the o …
I walked into B & Q the other day and shouted at the top of my voice “I NEED SOMETHING TO HELP ME GET FROM MY GROUND FLOOR UPTO MY 1ST FLOOR” You should’ve seen the stairs I got.
Continue ReadingA guy walks into a librar …
A guy walks into a library and asks for a book about lying. The librarian says “I’m sorry we don’t have any books like that.”
Continue ReadingI always talk to myself. …
I always talk to myself. It’s the only way to have an intelligent conversation.
Continue ReadingI’ve lived in Chester for …
I’ve lived in Chester for years but i’m still a die hard City fan. Like I say, you can take the man out of Manchester… Oh, hang on.
Continue ReadingI invented the upside dow …
I invented the upside down house. It’s now a top cellar.
Continue ReadingI had an appointment at t …
I had an appointment at the opticians today, but I was too busy to make it on time. So I rang up and told the doctor I couldn’t see him.
Continue ReadingWhat’s (buffering 21%) th …
What’s (buffering 21%) the (buffering 45%) best way (buffering 69%) to lose (buffering 86%) a (buffering 100%) hard-on?
Continue ReadingI’ve released a new book …
I’ve released a new book on why it’s important to keep money in the bank for as long as possible. There’s been big interest so far.
Continue ReadingI’ve been diagnosed with …
I’ve been diagnosed with water on the knee. My Doctor says I should invest in a pair of drainpipe trousers.
Continue ReadingLast year I was charged f …
Last year I was charged for having luggage dropped into my arms. It was a caught case.
Continue ReadingJudging by their adverts, …
Judging by their adverts, getting your shopping through the checkout at Somerfield would take the best part of a day.
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