I do not often contradict …
I do not often contradict myself, but when I do I am usually right.
Continue ReadingAuthor: qjoq.com
A man walks into a librar …
A man walks into a library. Not in our town he doesn’t.
Continue ReadingThe closest thing my wife …
The closest thing my wife gets to another man is Russell Hobbs.
Continue ReadingI’m officially the fastes …
I’m officially the fastest Royal Mail thief in the country. I’ve held the post for the past three years running.
Continue ReadingI’m going to Las Vegas ne …
I’m going to Las Vegas next month. If only there was a way to learn how to play poker and get ripped in 4 weeks.
Continue ReadingMy dyslexic mate reckons …
My dyslexic mate reckons Gillette’s the best thing since sliced beard.
Continue ReadingI’ve opened an online dat …
I’ve opened an online dating company especially designed for deaf mutes. It’s called ‘The Conversations Ltd.’
Continue ReadingThe doctor said to me tod …
The doctor said to me today “I think you’ve got myopia.” I said “I know you’re an educated man, Doc, but I’m almost certain that isn’t the correct plural of ‘my opium.’”
Continue ReadingI don’t like to brag but …
I don’t like to brag but the hooligan that picked a fight with me down at the pub wound up with a broken nose and 2 fractured ribs After the ambulance that was taking me to the hospital accidentally backed over her.
Continue ReadingThe Government are introd …
The Government are introducing English tests for immigrants coming to the UK from outside the EU, applicants will have to have a “basic command of English” before being granted a visa. If you start every sentence without a capital letter, don’t know the difference between their and they’re, haven’t got a clue where to put […]
Continue ReadingWhat do you get if you cr …
What do you get if you cross a motorway with a flock of sheep? A flock of dead sheep.
Continue ReadingWant to get rich quick? S …
Want to get rich quick? Sell beer at an AA meeting.
Continue ReadingA hippie woman came into …
A hippie woman came into my cafe this morning. “Do you do vegetarian breakfasts?” she enquired. “Of course”, I replied, “I’ll put you some toast on now.”
Continue ReadingThere was a leaflet on co …
There was a leaflet on contraception stapled to the middle of my newspaper today. It was a pull-out special.
Continue ReadingWhy do people say stuff i …
Why do people say stuff is ‘the best thing since sliced bread’? There are plenty things better, and it wouldn’t kill us if we had to slice it ourselves would it?
Continue Reading