We played a deaf football …
We played a deaf football team at the weekend and stuffed them 7-0. Our fans were singing, “You’re not signing anymore”.
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There is a crazed, murder …
There is a crazed, murderous doctor on the loose. I’m eating an apple a day.
Continue ReadingExaggerations went up by …
Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.
Continue ReadingOn Friday nights , instea …
On Friday nights , instead of going to clubs , my friends and i hang out at the hospital’s orthopaedic ward . It’s a hip joint .
Continue ReadingI can really taste my foo …
I can really taste my food since giving up smoking. So I’ve decided to divorce my wife.
Continue ReadingIsn’t it a coincidence th …
Isn’t it a coincidence that people run inside when there are black clouds?
Continue ReadingMy wife came into the sam …
My wife came into the same pub as me and my mates and walked up to me “look at you acting all cool as if you can’t be bothered talking to me” “sorry fatso do I know you?” I replied
Continue ReadingWhat do you call the equi …
What do you call the equipment you use to rush Barcadi, Pineapple and Coconut together at speed? A large Pina Collider.
Continue ReadingMy local butcher’s shop h …
My local butcher’s shop has a sign saying, “Back Bacon.” This betting advertising is getting out of hand.
Continue ReadingBBC Magazine: How to stre …
BBC Magazine: How to strengthen your willpower If only I could be bothered to read it.
Continue ReadingI started a new job today …
I started a new job today. The boss called me into the office and said “I’d like you to think of us as one big happy family here.” I replied “Of course I do, it’s the family business dad.”
Continue ReadingI resented filling in tha …
I resented filling in that government survey so much that I went down to my local MP’s office and broke his kneecaps. In hindsight, it was just census violence.
Continue ReadingLast night my girlfriend …
Last night my girlfriend said to me “tonight i’m your present” So I wrapped her.
Continue ReadingMy wife accused me of ove …
My wife accused me of over-complicating things… I almost suffered a mechanical obstruction of the flow of air from the environment into the lungs…
Continue ReadingMy other mate is a gynaec …
My other mate is a gynaecologist who never comes out He reckons hes got too much work on at the orifice
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