Scientists have discovere …
Scientists have discovered that fish only have three second memories. So, one step closer to curing cancer then!
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Doctor: I’m sorry, but yo …
Doctor: I’m sorry, but you’re just too ugly for plastic surgery. I suggest wearing a plastic bag over your head. Patient: Um don’t you mean a paper bag…? Doctor: Maybe I didn’t emphasize how ugly you are…
Continue ReadingI have an imaginary frien …
I have an imaginary friend. By which I mean I square rooted one of my enemies.
Continue ReadingWhat’s the biggest differ …
What’s the biggest difference between men and women? What they mean, when they say: “I got through a whole box of tissues watching that film.”
Continue ReadingI used to have my own fru …
I used to have my own fruit stand but it kept getting knocked over by 1970s police chases.
Continue ReadingJust been to a secret mee …
Just been to a secret meeting of revolutionary librarians. It was all very hush hush.
Continue ReadingI fell down a deep hole w …
I fell down a deep hole with some water at the bottom the other day and hurt myself. In those situations you just have to pick yourself up and say “Oh well”.
Continue ReadingAfter my daughter’s first …
After my daughter’s first day at primary school she came home and told me “My teacher touched me.” I’d love to meet her teacher, he sounds like a real inspiration.
Continue ReadingTaking The Sun’s England …
Taking The Sun’s England Algeria Slovenia Yanks formula. How about the tournament of love for the final four? Holland Uruguay Germany Spain Alternatively, the tournament of hate. Germany Uruguay Netherlands Spain Either way, it ends in pain!
Continue ReadingI’ve recently taken quite …
I’ve recently taken quite a shine to the polish
Continue ReadingMy phone rang earlier. I …
My phone rang earlier. I answered it and a voice I didn’t recognise said, “Alright mate. I’ve just bought a United shirt with “ROONEY” and “3” on the back.” I said, “Sorry, I think you’ve got the wrong number.”
Continue ReadingMe and the wife were eati …
Me and the wife were eating Sunday dinner, when I pulled a face and said “God, there’s too much fat…it’s disgusting” “Rubbish…it’s a lovely lean joint”, she replied. I looked her up and down and said, “I wasn’t talking about the roast love”.
Continue ReadingMy wife called me into th …
My wife called me into the bathroom and asked me to wash her back. I don’t remember her washing me in the first place.
Continue ReadingAm I the only one that se …
Am I the only one that see’s the phrase “shatter-proof” written on stationary and thinks “we’ll see about that…”
Continue ReadingI phoned my bank today an …
I phoned my bank today and said, “I’d like to put a block on my credit card.” “No problem Sir,” he said, “Was it lost or stolen?” “Neither,” I replied, “My wife has just gone out shopping.”
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