My daughter asked me why …
My daughter asked me why mummy is so pale. I told her to shut up and keep digging.
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I was out clubbing last n …
I was out clubbing last night when some bloke called me a muppet. I was furious. But, my mum was right when she said “Kermit, you take things to heart too easily.”
Continue ReadingMy Mrs asked me today if …
My Mrs asked me today if I thought she was fat. “No. You just look like averaged sized someone far away, but REALLY close up” Im now single
Continue ReadingI’ve booked a table at on …
I’ve booked a table at one of those new Elvis Presley-themed steakhouses. They’re for people who love meat tender.
Continue ReadingMy girlfriend asked me to …
My girlfriend asked me to recommend a tv series boxset for her to buy. I told her to get Lost. For some reason she came over last night with all the dvds, why can’t she take the hint that its over?
Continue ReadingJust seen the Facebook gr …
Just seen the Facebook group – ‘Yes there’s plenty more fish in the sea…But you’re my Nemo’ I’m taking it this group is mostly full of sickipedians considering Nemo’s age..
Continue ReadingI went to a restaurant an …
I went to a restaurant and ordered fish and chips. After a few mouthfuls I called the waiter over. ‘ I’ve tasted fresher fish than this, ‘ I said. ‘ Not in here, ‘ replied the waiter.
Continue ReadingI’ve just had a go of a r …
I’ve just had a go of a remote control car that used to be a computer console. It was a Mega Drive.
Continue ReadingWhen I found out my toas …
When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked.
Continue ReadingFOX News: “America today …
FOX News: “America today begins to turn back to God.” And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I don’t live in America…
Continue ReadingWhat is the biggest lie e …
What is the biggest lie ever? “I have read and agree to the terms of use.”
Continue ReadingI’m going to microwave a …
I’m going to microwave a spider and let it bite me… superpowers here I come!
Continue ReadingMy wife told me she wante …
My wife told me she wanted a greenhouse, It cost a fortune in paint, our house is huge!
Continue ReadingI Am proud that I always …
I Am proud that I always have my Five fruit-a-day. Half a pack of Starburst!
Continue ReadingI saw a sign today that r …
I saw a sign today that read: Tiredness kills, take a break. So I pulled over and went to sleep. When I woke up I felt great and was ready to drive again. I was 5 hours late for work though.
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