My fleshlight arrived in …
My fleshlight arrived in the post today… Neighbours complained about seeing my mail genitalia.
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As I stood in the pouring …
As I stood in the pouring rain, shovel in hand in the dead of night I thought, “This is a stupid time to be gardening.”
Continue ReadingWent past the local counc …
Went past the local council estate the other day and saw the most comprehensive set of inflatable Christmas figures, lights and all manner of huge decorations. I thought to myself ‘Wow, they must have needed a day off work to do all that!’ and then I thought ‘Oh…’.
Continue ReadingWhy did the chicken cross …
Why did the chicken cross the Atlantic? To get away from America
Continue ReadingI’ve been selected for a …
I’ve been selected for a ‘Random Drugs Test’ at work. I hope I get something hallucinogenic to help me get through today.
Continue ReadingSo i’ve finally decided t …
So i’ve finally decided to start playing the fiddle so I bought a cheap kids one. Im hoping to become a professional kiddy-fiddler
Continue ReadingWhat’s the difference bet …
What’s the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin? You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.
Continue ReadingI read an article in toda …
I read an article in today’s Sun: ‘Reasons to be glad to be living in the current day and age’ One of the reasons was ‘Lifespan increases by 5 hours each day’ I’m pretty sure my lifespan increases by 24 hours every day
Continue ReadingWhat’s the difference bet …
What’s the difference between the Haitian Earthquake and Madeleine McCann? One started at the bottom of the sea…
Continue ReadingRemember to stay away fro …
Remember to stay away from warehouses at a full moon… …they turn into houses…
Continue ReadingI sold my last house on e …
I sold my last house on ebay. I wouldn’t advise it though. Nearly all the money I made went on postage.
Continue ReadingYou know what? I miss all …
You know what? I miss all the dead baby jokes. I reckon they went before their time.
Continue ReadingDown London for some brea …
Down London for some breakfast, Can’t seem to find a full English anywhere.
Continue ReadingI’m not saying I have tru …
I’m not saying I have trust issues, because you’ll tell everybody.
Continue ReadingI’ve just seen a TV progr …
I’ve just seen a TV programme where they mentioned a “token black” Every one of them I’ve seen has been “tokin” something !
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