I’m just about to meet my …
I’m just about to meet my mates down the pub but i’m not happy that my wife’s coming out. They are never going to believe she’s a lesbian.
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“More than 1 in every 7 c …
“More than 1 in every 7 cars has an illegal history”. So, 2 in 7 then?
Continue ReadingI held the door for a lit …
I held the door for a little old lady in the shop today. We all laughed as she banged on the window shouting, “Let me in.”
Continue ReadingWhat did the Pit Bull say …
What did the Pit Bull say to the Rottweiler? Fancy going halves on an Indian.
Continue ReadingAs me and my son sat watc …
As me and my son sat watching a scary film, the whimpering started and soon developed into hands covering the eyes in blind terror. At which point my son said, “Dad, is this another one of those predictable jokes when it turns out to be you blubbing and not me?”
Continue ReadingHeadline: ‘Friendly fire’ …
Headline: ‘Friendly fire’ killed Brit soldier. Which to me doesn’t sound too friendly.
Continue ReadingPolice in Oswestry have a …
Police in Oswestry have arrested a man outside a pub after he was heard to say “I could murder a couple of Fosters”
Continue Reading“iPad. There’s no right w …
“iPad. There’s no right way and no wrong way”- to hold it. If only the iPhone was this advanced
Continue ReadingEver since I got an Iphon …
Ever since I got an Iphone I’ve missed the sound of turning pages in the bathroom..
Continue ReadingDennis Hopper and Gary Co …
Dennis Hopper and Gary Coleman are stood at the pearly gates. St Peter looks down and says “sorry Mr Hopper… no pets”
Continue ReadingSo I was following this l …
So I was following this little boy Jack on the streets this afternoon, and I saw him buy a small pack of beans. Yes, I’ve beanstalking him.
Continue ReadingI’ve been working like a …
I’ve been working like a black the last few days Which is probably why I got fired for lack of effort.
Continue ReadingSo I hear one of Raoul Mo …
So I hear one of Raoul Moat’s victims has had to have his eyes removed. Must have been a blinding shot.
Continue ReadingI left a sign outside my …
I left a sign outside my house that said “Beware of the dog”. Days later, despite the sign -the postman had knocked on the door. Before I could tell him to run away, a huge dog appeared; growling and drooling. “Do you have any idea what time it is?!” My wife said.
Continue ReadingI took my dog to the vets …
I took my dog to the vets and said, “can you sort my dog out, it’s bitten my wife, she’s okay though, just a small scratch on her neck.” “Do you want me to destroy it, sir?” “No!!”, I said,”can you sharpen it’s teeth so it kills her next time!?”
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