I walked past my Doctor’s surgery today and he’s put a new sign in the window. It says “Call into our surgery today, we offer top a quality service – you’ll never get better!” I didn’t know what to make of that…
Continue ReadingI’ve become rather disliked as a boss since I decided that we were no longer going to make incontinence pads for ladies. My position has become untenable.
Continue ReadingI’m stuck in rush hour traffic again. It’s stop-starting like Andy Parsons making a speech.
Continue ReadingI think the rebels in Libya can eventually overthrow the government if they stick to their guns.
Continue Reading‘Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a big birthday cake.’ ‘I’m afraid you’ll have to be sectioned.’
Continue ReadingI went to the Library today and asked the Librarian, “Do you have any books on naked children?” She replied, “No, sorry, our books are all on shelves.”
Continue ReadingThis morning, my dad said to me, “Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.” I’m sick of these mixed messages. I’m seriously considering my future as a cannibal.
Continue ReadingI just used a colon improperly. But she’s really drunk and probably won’t remember.
Continue ReadingHow to find a needle in a haystack… Cause that’s been such a huge problem over the years for all these sewing farmers who like to do their needlework in a barn!
Continue ReadingI was out on the boat with the missus today when she said, “If I fell out of this boat would a shark swallow me whole?” I replied, “Nah. He’d spit that bit out.”
Continue ReadingI’ve been using fossil fuels a lot recently. But I think the natural history museum is on to me
Continue ReadingHeavy metal. Peter Harvey is a fan.
Continue ReadingThe charity event I organised for Victims of Gun Crime has met with some criticism. I don’t know what people have against paintball.
Continue ReadingI put the cat amongst the pigeons at work today. Got me the sack from the bird sanctuary.
Continue ReadingI spent 14 hours designing a belt from old stopwatches. Then realised it was just a waist of time…
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