These days I can’t walk d …
These days I can’t walk down the street without constantly being stopped and asked for my autograph. It’s not that I’m famous, I just can’t seem to avoid the Save The Children chuggers.
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I miss my ex-girlfriend s …
I miss my ex-girlfriend sometimes. But watching the innocent bystanders next to her fall down is almost as fun.
Continue ReadingEvery dubstep musician us …
Every dubstep musician used to be that kid who could burp the alphabet, they all just somehow managed to make a career out of it.
Continue ReadingI invited all my friends …
I invited all my friends to a late night swinging party. Sadly the playground gates were locked.
Continue ReadingHear about the actor that …
Hear about the actor that fell through the floor? It was just a stage he was going through.
Continue ReadingI know a vampire who coll …
I know a vampire who collects mirrors. I don’t know what he sees in them, to be honest!
Continue ReadingAfter my wife said I was …
After my wife said I was tightfisted, I’ve finally agreed to let my kids get their faces painted. It gives me the chance to get rid of those old tins of gloss in the shed.
Continue ReadingI tried to suffocate myse …
I tried to suffocate myself last night. It didn’t work, I couldn’t breathe properly!
Continue ReadingI’d love a delicious Germ …
I’d love a delicious German sausage, but I don’t have any money, just this dead seagull. Think they’ll take a tern for the wurst?
Continue ReadingJust dished up some food …
Just dished up some food for the dog. Some lettuce and tomato with his usual tinned dog food. I like to call it a Ceaser salad.
Continue ReadingMy wife’s dentist says “s …
My wife’s dentist says “she has the best set of teeth he has ever come across.” What does he mean?
Continue ReadingMy wife was looking in th …
My wife was looking in the mirror and said to me she has awful roots. I said “granted you’re pikey and common but I love you anyway!”
Continue ReadingMy kids always say that I …
My kids always say that I’m out of date with technology, so I popped down to Carphone Warehouse….. I wish I hadn’t bothered, they didn’t have a single car phone in stock.
Continue ReadingPeople who plug their com …
People who plug their computer keyboards into hi-fi systems aren’t idiots. That would be stereotyping.
Continue ReadingMy driving instructor jus …
My driving instructor just said, “When driving through thick fog, what should you use?” “A car.” I replied
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