I had a knock at my door …
I had a knock at my door today and when i answered, the Postman was stood there. “Can you sign for this parcel mate”he said I replied “Err, ok but i only know thank you and apple”
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I will solve my procrasti …
I will solve my procrastination issues; just wait and see.
Continue Reading‘So tell me, Mrs. Smith,’ …
‘So tell me, Mrs. Smith,’ asked the interviewer, ‘have you any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?’ ‘Actually, yes,’ said the applicant modestly. ‘Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I finished my novel.’ ‘Very impressive,’ he commented, ‘but I was thinking of skills you could apply during […]
Continue ReadingWhen my wife said ‘I thin …
When my wife said ‘I think we should call it a day’, I didn’t realise she was serious about naming my son that.
Continue ReadingChickens have such a high …
Chickens have such a hightened panic reflex that even after their heads have been cut off their first reaction is to run away. Just remind me again; who invented the guillotine?
Continue ReadingThe wife and I decided to …
The wife and I decided to have a race to see who would die first. I left her in my wake.
Continue ReadingMy girlfriend wanted a ca …
My girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Continue ReadingMy wife came to me the ot …
My wife came to me the other day after finishing ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ and suggested we take some inspiration from the book in our relationship. “Absolutely! I’d love to.” I replied excitedly, relishing the opportunity. Im not sure it was what she had in mind when I wrote all over her, bound her and […]
Continue ReadingThe devil makes work for …
The devil makes work for idle hands. Unlike the job centre.
Continue ReadingThe definition of irony: …
The definition of irony: A site full of people joking about how stupid others are, while every other joke refers to the 50,000 dead in Haiti as “half a million.”
Continue ReadingBBC NEWS: “Labour leader …
BBC NEWS: “Labour leader Ed Miliband accuses the coalition government of performing a partial U-turn over free book funding.” Sorry to break it to you Ed, but a ‘partial U’ is a straight line.
Continue ReadingI gave my kid a smack on …
I gave my kid a smack on the bottom in the supermarket today. “You’re very naughty” I shouted, as she ran off crying. Yeah, my sixteen year old hates coming out with me.
Continue ReadingWhat’s old & ropey? Old …
What’s old & ropey? Old rope.
Continue ReadingBBC Sport News: Republic …
BBC Sport News: Republic skipper Robbie Keane became the first Irish or British player to reach 50 goals with his opening strike against Macedonia. I know FIFA is undergoing some change at the moment, but 50 goals with 1 strike is a little too far.
Continue ReadingNext time someone says “Y …
Next time someone says “You owe me big time”, arrange for DHL to send them a 5 foot clock to their house. That should shut them up.
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