My girlfriend text me before, saying, “I think I have got a Sti” I said, “I am so sorry, I cheated on you, I have one too” Just as I pressed send, another one came through, “Sorry, didn’t know how to spell it” She said, “That was meant to say Stye”
Continue Reading‘nice guys finish last’ Well that’s a first for me.
Continue ReadingSome moron started shouting at me to find out if I’d heard of elephants! I thought “of course I have”, shortly before I was trampled by a herd of elephants.
Continue ReadingA man in a pub sees another man standing at the bar with carrots in his ears. He walks across and asks the guy, “Excuse me, sir, but why do you have carrots in your ears?” “Sorry, can’t hear you mate, I’ve got carrots in my ears.”
Continue ReadingMy PC displays a range of irritating warning messages, but this one about cookies really takes the biscuit.
Continue ReadingWell thanks a lot for the suggestions guys… My wife suggested we look on Amazon for xmas pressies, only to see that it had stored the last items I viewed…. a balaclava, gaffa tape and a turkey baster!
Continue ReadingIf you ever commit a serious crime you should turn yourself into the police. That way you’ll be more difficult to identify.
Continue ReadingI was riding a 5 year old bareback yesterday. She’s a lovely horse. Shame she’s allergic to latex.
Continue ReadingAnyone who kills a member of a boy-band deserves a life sentence for murder and an OBE for services to music.
Continue ReadingA senior Afghan peace negotiator has been shot dead in Kabul, officials say. It was either that, or sack him for gross incompetence.
Continue ReadingJust found out I was conceived via ‘Artificial inlemonation’. Im not bitter though..
Continue ReadingNine of my mums sisters have been standing outside Miss Selfridges all night holding candles. You can’t beat vigil aunties.
Continue Reading‘I’m gonna cut off my eyebrows and draw new ones on with a pencil’ – Woman logic
Continue ReadingWhen it comes to driving men think they own the road and women think no one else is on the road………….
Continue ReadingI saw a man get shot today and couldn’t help but think that it could have been me. If I was Chinese and messed up getting a gold medal.
Continue Reading