There is a 1 in 2 chance …
There is a 1 in 2 chance of winning the lottery. You either win it or you don’t.
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I’ve just bought a guard …
I’ve just bought a guard dog and he’s really good. Not been able to get inside my house for the past 3 days though.
Continue Reading50 shades of day. And tha …
50 shades of day. And that concludes the scottish weather report for the next 1,000,000 years.
Continue ReadingWhen I see someone really …
When I see someone really gorgeous, I stare, I smile, and, when I get tired, I put the mirror down.
Continue ReadingI took my dog down the ve …
I took my dog down the vet’s this morning. As soon as I walked in there I started sobbing uncontrollably cos I knew he wouldn’t be going home with me. I’ll probably be okay later when my wife picks him up.
Continue ReadingI always seem to have dis …
I always seem to have disagreements with cows… I try to be nice but it seems they’ve always got beef.
Continue ReadingI failed my Human Anatomy …
I failed my Human Anatomy exam and couldn’t get into university. Luckily, I have a good eye for music.
Continue ReadingI have prepared a present …
I have prepared a presentation on global warming. It’s not that bad but it won’t exactly set the world on fire.
Continue ReadingI don’t really enjoy spen …
I don’t really enjoy spending time with my dog since he died, even taking him for a walk is just a drag.
Continue ReadingIf an infinite amount of …
If an infinite amount of monkeys had an infinite amount of typewriters how long would it take them to write the complete works of Shakespeare? …I dunno but I reckon in the first three seconds they’d have written the autobiography of Katie Price.
Continue ReadingThe local supermarket has …
The local supermarket has a “buy two get two free” offer on pregnancy tests (yes, really, just for those girls who think they’ll need 4 kits in the near future). And a special offer on wine by the case. Coincidence? Tesco: proudly serving the nation’s slappers since 1919.
Continue ReadingI’m one of these people w …
I’m one of these people who refuses to accept change, which, in hindsight, is probably why my career as a busker went down the pan.
Continue ReadingWhen my TV repairman got …
When my TV repairman got married the reception was excellent.
Continue ReadingFacebook was down for a w …
Facebook was down for a while …. I paniked and I phoned anyone from my list asking them What are you people eating? How are your pets? and How’s the weather in your area?!
Continue ReadingA cripple, an amputee and …
A cripple, an amputee and a burn victim walk into a bar. And I walk out laughing.
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