I took a bird back to my hotel. As we started ripping off each others clothes I asked, “So where are you from?” She said, “Can’t you guess from my accent?” as I whipped off her bra and looked down at her flat hairy chest I shrieked, “Man chest. … Ahhh.” She said, “No, Close, […]
Continue ReadingMy New Year resolutions this year are to gain a ton of weight, start smoking, never volunteer, emotionally distance myself from friends and family, and be completely closed-minded about everything. That way, next years resolutions should pretty much write themselves.
Continue ReadingThe Judge looked directly into my eyes as he began his summing up. “In all my years on the Bench, I can honestly say that I have never had to deal with a more loathsome individual than yourself. You are an habitual liar who thinks nothing of taking advantage of weaker individuals to satisfy their […]
Continue ReadingIsn’t it funny… No matter where you stand in the road, you will always be referred to as “In the middle”
Continue ReadingA man goes into a pet shop and sees a talking dog. After chatting to it for ten minutes he buys it. Later he goes into a pub and says, ‘I bet everyone fifty bucks that this dog can talk.’ A few people take the bet, but the dog remains silent and the man is […]
Continue ReadingMen; would you like to last longer in bed? Then get your wife to bring breakfast to you.
Continue ReadingWhat do you call someone who’s scared of KFC? A chicken.
Continue ReadingI have no privacy anymore since my sister started dating a dance teacher. I hate it when they come waltzing in my room without knocking.
Continue ReadingAs I sped away in the stolen car, I lost control and crashed right in the middle of a bunch of trees. I looked out of the window and new that I had to give up. I was surrounded by the copse.
Continue ReadingClearasil soon regretted moving their factory to London when Hackney disappeared overnight.
Continue ReadingI was buying an iPod in Argos at the weekend and waiting for it at the delivery point. First they brought me out a lawn mower by mistake, then a set of pans and finally a bike. It was a catalogue of errors.
Continue ReadingMy local health centre are about to start a trial by where UK born citizens are allowed priority access into the clinic before immigrants, Sounds good, but I’m not sure I want to get in before the doctors do…
Continue ReadingBlind man’s buff. He doesn’t know it though.
Continue ReadingGive a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He’s a grown man. Fishing’s not that hard.
Continue ReadingI was in a caf in Paris last week, and this French woman wouldn’t give me any chocolate pancakes. So I crpe’d her.
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