I’ve just started a remov …
I’ve just started a removals company called U2. We move in Mysterious Ways.
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I was offered a job once …
I was offered a job once at the Waldorf making salads. Turned it down though, the celery wasn’t big enough.
Continue ReadingI met this beautiful woma …
I met this beautiful woman in a club and we got dancing, she suddenly put her hand on my crotch and said, “Oh my! You are a big boy! You’re certainly hiding something down there” then gave me a cheeky smile. “Thanks,” I said, “Most girls think it’s weird that I bring my guinea pig […]
Continue ReadingI’ve got a new job workin …
I’ve got a new job working at a smoothie bar. I’m blending in well.
Continue ReadingWhat’s extremely dangerou …
What’s extremely dangerous and swings through the trees? A monkey with a shotgun
Continue ReadingSo Gordon Brown and David …
So Gordon Brown and David Cameron have something in common…this year, they’ve both lost a Sun.
Continue ReadingThey say that behind ever …
They say that behind every successful man there’s a women. As Britain’s most successful rapist, I have to agree.
Continue ReadingAn ex-Gladiator tried kic …
An ex-Gladiator tried kicking off with me on a plane the other day. “Easy Jet”, I warned her.
Continue ReadingI can’t stand independent …
I can’t stand independent women. They just don’t do it for me.
Continue ReadingI’m gonna get a tattoo on …
I’m gonna get a tattoo on my inner thigh of a squirrel worshipping my nuts.
Continue ReadingI tried to genetically ch …
I tried to genetically change an Apple, but it all went pear shaped.
Continue ReadingRecently I’ve been starri …
Recently I’ve been starring in a series of adverts selling processed meat. I’m a Quorn star.
Continue ReadingRose is Red Violet’s blue …
Rose is Red Violet’s blue I wouldn’t come to our care home If I were you
Continue ReadingNestle have abandoned the …
Nestle have abandoned their new KitKat advertising campaign in the planning stages, after realising that the slogan “Give a Friend a Finger” has a vast potential for misinterpretation.
Continue ReadingMillets, you know it make …
Millets, you know it makes tents.
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