Got my results today, and …
Got my results today, and like the thousand of other spotty tennagers i am over joyed. The condom worked and the girlfriend isn’t pregnant.
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I have just won ‘Vodafone …
I have just won ‘Vodafone Employee Of The Month’ I’m chuffed but I didn’t quite get the reception that I thought I would,
Continue ReadingI met mini me’s 2nd wife …
I met mini me’s 2nd wife yesterday Her name was Bigamy
Continue ReadingMy Daughter and I have a …
My Daughter and I have a really close relationship and she can get very emotional…sometimes when we’re alone she gets a lump in her throat.
Continue ReadingAstrology: because millio …
Astrology: because millions of planets and stars have spent billions of years lining themselves up just to let her know that she’ll “meet someone with nice eyes today.”
Continue ReadingNicki Minaj sings about a …
Nicki Minaj sings about a stupid hoe. A bad gardener always blames their tools.
Continue ReadingBBC News: “A food product …
BBC News: “A food production company was ordered to pay nearly 17,000 after a man found a dead mouse in a loaf of bread as he made sandwiches for his children.” That’s brilliant. The best thing since miced bread.
Continue ReadingA man walks into a librar …
A man walks into a library, confidently walks past the librarian to go borrow the actual book he wants as the various subjects are always clearly stated on the shelves.
Continue ReadingIronic isn’t it that a ba …
Ironic isn’t it that a band can be called One Direction when all the members go both ways.
Continue ReadingExtremists Do you want to …
Extremists Do you want to blow yourself up for a good cause and get hundreds of virgins? I suggest ComicCon
Continue ReadingI tried to buy a rowing m …
I tried to buy a rowing machine today. But apparently Steve Redgrave is not for sale
Continue ReadingMy wife said, “That’s the …
My wife said, “That’s the last time you’ll ever call me fat as I’m walking out on you next time.” I replied, “Darling, you wouldn’t really walk out on our kids.” “What kids?” she asked. “Oh, I thought you were…
Continue ReadingI don’t eat indian food a …
I don’t eat indian food anymore. I just chuck a tenner down the toilet. It cuts out the middle man.
Continue ReadingI got my paedophile licen …
I got my paedophile licence yesterday. Or ‘Qualified to Teach Status’ as the university called it.
Continue ReadingMy mates tell me I’m not …
My mates tell me I’m not a funny guy. Turns out they’re right.
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