I took my son to the pub last night. The manager said, “Sorry mate, he’s not allowed in here.” I said, “What do you mean?” He said, “There’s a sign on the door that says No Children After 9.” I said, “Well he’s ok then, he’s not 9 until next week.”
Continue ReadingI’ve invested in the IKEA franchise and bought my own store. The bricks are being delivered tomorrow.
Continue ReadingMe and my wife just had a blazing row ’cause she says I’m just a fat slob I don’t know what she’s talking about, I do 100 sit-ups every morning, trying to get out of bed
Continue ReadingThe nurse came up to my hospital bed to check my pulse. “Wow.” she said. “It’s much faster than usual!” “That’s not my wrist you’re holding, nurse.”
Continue ReadingWhen asked “What would be your dream job once leaving school?” in a recent poll, 99% of 11-16 year olds wrote: “My dreem is too wurk in a sweat shop!” Say what you like about the kids of today, they may be illiterate but they aren’t scared of hard work!
Continue ReadingIf I had a pound every time I needed a pound, I’d never need a pound.
Continue ReadingCarlsberg don’t do gingers, no-one does.
Continue ReadingGot stopped by a policeman today. “Any idea how fast you were going back there?” He said, “Listen mate, I’ll ask the questions.”
Continue Reading45 cans for 20, that’s why dad’s go to Tesco.
Continue ReadingHeisenberg gets pulled over by the police for speeding. “Do you know how fast you were going sir?” “No – but I know exactly where I am”
Continue ReadingFor the past 10 years, I’ve been trying but failing miserably to write my autobiography. Story of my life.
Continue ReadingHow does a matador like his coffee? Au lait!
Continue ReadingMy power’s been off for the last couple of days even though my bills are up to date. Unfortunately EDF’s been keeping me in the dark as to why exactly.
Continue ReadingJust bought a ticket to the time travelers convention. It was awesome.
Continue Reading“Welcome back to the second half of the S&M championship. So Far, both teams are tied.”
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