I’ve just spent 45 minute …
I’ve just spent 45 minutes in Dorothy Perkins. Worst thing is she didn’t even realise for the first half hour.
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I saw a sign today that s …
I saw a sign today that said “Pedestrians look both ways.” I thought, “so what if they do?”
Continue ReadingI once had an affair with …
I once had an affair with a member of the Royal family. I’m not allowed to say who , for regal liasions.
Continue ReadingHas anyone tried that new …
Has anyone tried that new aftershave made in tribute to the Hindenburg disaster? Eau De Humanity.
Continue ReadingOur child kicked my wife …
Our child kicked my wife so I smacked him hard. My wife says I over reacted and that it’s common during pregnancy.
Continue ReadingI borrowed some eggs, flo …
I borrowed some eggs, flour and sugar from my neighbour. I’m making a sponge cake.
Continue ReadingIrony: Discovering that a …
Irony: Discovering that a joke you posted complaining about people posting duplicates is itself a duplicate.
Continue ReadingStanding there, shaking, …
Standing there, shaking, with a crazy stare in her tearful eyes, my wife looked down at the charred remains of her latest victim. I held her tightly, and whispered into her ear… “Never mind love. I’ll treat us to a takeaway instead.”
Continue ReadingI took the wife out for a …
I took the wife out for a drink last night. What a waste of time that was… She could barely keep her eyes open. I told the tart she’d put way too much mascara on.
Continue ReadingMy grandfather worked in …
My grandfather worked in a medal factory when he was younger. He made the Military cross. Partly because he was the worst worker they’d ever seen.
Continue ReadingI was in the pub last nig …
I was in the pub last night and there was a clock sat at the bar having a drink. He said he often comes in to unwind.
Continue ReadingI was at a family dinner …
I was at a family dinner and I turned to my wife and said “I think there’s an elephant in the room”. Apparently that’s not an appropriate way to speak about your mother in law.
Continue ReadingIf I ever met a cannibal, …
If I ever met a cannibal, I’d give him a piece of my mind
Continue ReadingI wish my wife was more l …
I wish my wife was more like the wanted. She’s never glad I came.
Continue ReadingA guy takes his dog to th …
A guy takes his dog to the vet. When the vet has checked the dog, he says to the guy “Say ‘aah’ please, sir.” The guy asks “Why do you want ME to say ‘aah’?” The vet replies “Because your dog’s dead.”
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