I hung up on a snowman th …
I hung up on a snowman the other day. I don’t like cold callers.
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I went with some of my ma …
I went with some of my mates to a topless bar the other day. It started raining, we all got soaked.
Continue ReadingIf your soft drink gives …
If your soft drink gives you involuntary muscle spasms, it’s probably a caustic soda.
Continue ReadingI’ve always wanted to swi …
I’ve always wanted to swim with dolphins – but they keep dying on the bus on the way to the swimming baths.
Continue ReadingAfter experiencing anothe …
After experiencing another long delay I went up to the ticket office at the train station. ‘ Whats the point of having a train time table if all the trains are always late, ‘ I said. ‘ Well if we didn’t have a time table how would we know the trains were late, ‘ replied […]
Continue ReadingI was looking through the …
I was looking through the dictionary when I saw a nasty looking word. When I looked closer though, I saw it said hasty.
Continue ReadingI think my pig is a drug …
I think my pig is a drug addict… It keeps snorting.
Continue ReadingI used to make Draughts a …
I used to make Draughts and Chess boards. I have a very chequered past.
Continue ReadingI had a weird dream last …
I had a weird dream last night. I was on safari in Africa. I dreamt I was hand feeding a Hippo. I woke up with my hand between the wife’s legs!
Continue ReadingFree press: When your mum …
Free press: When your mum irons your trousers for you.
Continue ReadingToday’s horse racing tip …
Today’s horse racing tip of the day… Point it in the right direction and tell it to run as fast as it can.
Continue ReadingI call my dog Herpes. He …
I call my dog Herpes. He just won’t heel.
Continue ReadingI saw our new starter in …
I saw our new starter in work earlier. “Hi Vicky.. How are getting along?” I asked. “Ok thank you.. But please don’t call me Vicky.” “Sorry,” I said, “Didn’t mean to cause offence. What do you prefer to be called?” “Oh.. You know. I’m not really bothered… Vic or Victor,” he said.
Continue ReadingI was out at my local clu …
I was out at my local club last night and this bird kept coming on to me and trying to dance with me. At first I was having none of it but after a few stiff drinks I was all over her. I guess it’s true what they say, absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.
Continue ReadingMy accountant has been go …
My accountant has been going through the books of my modeling agency this morning. He’s just looking at the figures.
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