In exams, we look up for …
In exams, we look up for inspiration, down for desperation, left and right for information.
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Sir James Dyson’s inventi …
Sir James Dyson’s inventions suck.
Continue ReadingMy neighbour knocked on t …
My neighbour knocked on the door this morning she said, “I couldn’t sleep last night, your fireworks were banging.” I said, “Oh cheers, I’m glad you liked them.”
Continue ReadingI stopped by and seen my …
I stopped by and seen my mother for the first time in a year since she kicked me out. I bought her some flowers, then told her since I missed mothers day, I wanted her to relax, get some rest, and whether she liked it or not I’m moving back home for good now… as […]
Continue ReadingTerminally ill dolphins o …
Terminally ill dolphins often have a craving to walk with humans.
Continue ReadingScored with a black bird …
Scored with a black bird last night. It was just flying in front of me so I caught it sweet on the volley.
Continue ReadingI was really drunk coming …
I was really drunk coming home from the pub last night and I took a wrong turn too fast and ended up smashing into a brick wall. I broke my arm, nose and collar bone, but it could have been much worse if I’d have been driving.
Continue ReadingIf you plug your headphon …
If you plug your headphones into the “AUX IN” port of your stereo, people can hear what you think.
Continue ReadingMy child was complaining …
My child was complaining to me about how he didn’t want to go visit his grandma. I told him to shut up and continue digging.
Continue ReadingI pulled an ugly fat bird …
I pulled an ugly fat bird last night. I said to her, “Do you fancy seeing my flat tonight?” She replied “Yes”. So I walked her round to the carpark and showed her a deflated tyre”. She looked at me and said, “Please tell me you’re joking?” I laughed and said, “Of course I am, […]
Continue ReadingWhy are there instruction …
Why are there instructions on shampoo bottles? Who needs that? It’s not difficult, you just put some on your hand… then jerk off.
Continue ReadingMy wife walked into the b …
My wife walked into the bedroom in a nurses outfit and whispered, “Tonight you can do whatever you want.” “Wow, I feel like a kid in a candy shop,” I said “Sounds like someone’s happy…” “With diabetes.”
Continue ReadingMy friend and I are movin …
My friend and I are moving into a tree-house together. I hope we don’t fall out.
Continue ReadingDeleting your Facebook is …
Deleting your Facebook is like running away from home. Your just doing it for attention and you’ll be back in an hour.
Continue ReadingThere’s a gang going thro …
There’s a gang going through our town, systematically shoplifting clothes in size order… The police believe they’re still at large.
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