I just tried some of the …
I just tried some of the new “Trebor extra strong gum” this morning, it was mint.
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I got the sack from a kid …
I got the sack from a kids mask factory the other day. I just sat around, making faces.
Continue ReadingI was walking with my mat …
I was walking with my mate the other day and said to him, “Do you know Fat Chinese Eddie down at the snooker club?” “Fat Chinese Eddie? I don’t think I know him,” he replied. “What does he look like?”
Continue ReadingThe Sun: Britain’s Number …
The Sun: Britain’s Number One Benefit Cheat To all those people that said I’d never make it. Number one in the country. Whose laughing now?
Continue ReadingAnd there we were, 2 agai …
And there we were, 2 against 2000… boy did we slaughter those 2.
Continue ReadingI owed some Israelis abou …
I owed some Israelis about 200. But now I’ve paid my Jews.
Continue ReadingSingle? Buy a ship, call …
Single? Buy a ship, call it “relation”. Then you’ll have a relationship.
Continue ReadingBill Gate’s house is real …
Bill Gate’s house is really nice but he needs to update his windows
Continue ReadingAlcohol has magical power …
Alcohol has magical powers. It can turn a settee into a bed.
Continue ReadingThe wife said “I just can …
The wife said “I just can’t get through to you, it’s like were on different wavelengths!”…. “You daft cow.” I replied “your walkie talkie is on the wrong frequency!”
Continue ReadingMy wife said she’s leavin …
My wife said she’s leaving me because I’m an ‘absolute weirdo.’ I was so shocked I almost dropped the dead penguin I’ve been carrying around for the last two months.
Continue ReadingShouldn’t have cut the op …
Shouldn’t have cut the opening 3 subjects from my film: ‘Best Acronyms: A-Z’. It’s gone straight to DVD.
Continue ReadingI’ve been suspended from …
I’ve been suspended from school for another three days. When my science teacher asked me what my favourite element was, karate chopping her and saying “Element of Surprise” was wrong.
Continue ReadingLadies and Gentlemen, wel …
Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome on board this Ryanair flight. In the event of a sudden drop in cabin pressure, masks will drop down from above you. Please insert 5 Euros for oxygen.
Continue ReadingI was watching The Wire o …
I was watching The Wire on my tv today. It was decent until it ended at the plug.
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