Ive been off work all thi …
Ive been off work all this week because my pet cow is sick. My boss just called to say he thinks Im milking it.
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My wife was in the bathro …
My wife was in the bathroom the other day and shouted, “Ewwww there’s a spider!” I thought to myself, “Has it really been that long?”
Continue ReadingMy mate reckons he could …
My mate reckons he could eat a whole blanket, Personally I think he’s full of sheet.
Continue ReadingWent golfing with my gran …
Went golfing with my gran yesterday, when she said, “Surely I should get a handicap playing you dear?” Well I thought a dodgy hip was enough, but I broke her arm nonetheless. English is a fickle language.
Continue ReadingYou’d better watch out, Y …
You’d better watch out, You’d better not cry, You’d better not pout, I’m telling you why, …actually forget it, he doesn’t exist.
Continue ReadingMy wife finds it offensiv …
My wife finds it offensive when I use the word ‘puke’, so why does she keep asking me what her cooking tastes like?
Continue ReadingJust kicked my neighbours …
Just kicked my neighbours car, now I have to figure out how to get a smart car out of a tree.
Continue ReadingA woman walks into a libr …
A woman walks into a library and asks for a book on euphemisms. So the librarian took her up the rear aisle and let her have it.
Continue ReadingGot told off at work toda …
Got told off at work today for being too lazy. Give me a break!
Continue ReadingWe woke up this morning t …
We woke up this morning to the wife’s head stinking of fish, with a gill sprouting out one ear and a tail fin from the other. The doctor reckons it’s the worst looking brain tuna he’s ever seen.
Continue ReadingHow did ancient Egyptian …
How did ancient Egyptian con artists make their money? With pyramid schemes.
Continue ReadingI’m looking forward to Ja …
I’m looking forward to James Cameron’s new film. It’s about a mysterious planet where everybody has turned blue from drinking too much WKD. It’s called Chavatar
Continue ReadingIn a recent survey, half …
In a recent survey, half of the people asked didn’t know their exact shoe size. I do, all my shoes are a foot long.
Continue Reading[Joke] I’m a HTML develop …
[Joke] I’m a HTML developer, and I have OCD [/joke]
Continue ReadingI went to a holiday park …
I went to a holiday park in Wales with my family, but the friction between us all was shocking. Thats the last time I stay in a static caravan.
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