“Frankly,” I said to my m …
“Frankly,” I said to my mate, “I think your name is Frank and your parents added the ‘ly’ by mistake.”
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At first I ignored my wif …
At first I ignored my wife’s pleas for me to quit smoking for the forty days preceding Easter. Then I relented.
Continue ReadingI was watching T.V earlie …
I was watching T.V earlier when I thought, ”Maybe I should turn this on?”
Continue ReadingI was raised by just my m …
I was raised by just my mother because my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that’s what he told us in the letter.
Continue ReadingWhat do you call a bunch …
What do you call a bunch of black guys on an oil drilling platform? Riggers.
Continue ReadingWife: “So, how do I look? …
Wife: “So, how do I look?” Husband: “You look like a picture” Wife: “Awwww what kind?” Husband: “A landscape”
Continue ReadingBe a good Samaritan and s …
Be a good Samaritan and save cash by simply kicking the blind homeless guys money box, making him think you’ve made a donation.
Continue ReadingMy wife took a pregnancy …
My wife took a pregnancy test this morning. She failed and now she’s not allowed to have children.
Continue ReadingThis hot chick walked up …
This hot chick walked up to me in the street earlier. with a cheeky wink she whispered in my ear ‘I’m so wet, help me’ ‘Here’s an umbrella’ i replied and walked off.
Continue ReadingI discovered a clowns arm …
I discovered a clowns arm on the beach today. I found this humerus.
Continue ReadingRoses are red, Violets ar …
Roses are red, Violets are blue. When you squeeze their head, Babies are too.
Continue ReadingI’m planning to spend the …
I’m planning to spend the whole of next week camping out in the grounds of a cathedral with some mates. We’re going to smoke a few joints, drink flasks of tea, sing a few songs and just hang out. If that doesn’t smash Western capitalism and bring down the fat cat bankers then I don’t […]
Continue ReadingNostalgia. It’s not what …
Nostalgia. It’s not what it used to be.
Continue ReadingIts no fun being on death …
Its no fun being on death row. That’s why I’ve sent them a game to play. Its the one where you have to try to get the ring down the end without touching the wire and completing the circuit. How they must laugh when the buzzer goes off.
Continue ReadingI tried reading the sun t …
I tried reading the sun the other day, cost me a fortune in laser eye surgery afterwards
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