I’ve just played and beat …
I’ve just played and beaten my best friend at monopoly, losing because he had a community chest card that bankrupt him. He never had a chance
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My girlfriend keeps a pic …
My girlfriend keeps a picture of me in a locket hung around her neck, she thinks it brings us closer together. I think I’m independent.
Continue ReadingI left the gas on yesterd …
I left the gas on yesterday and caused an explosion in our house. The missus went through the roof.
Continue ReadingEveryones going on about …
Everyones going on about David Schwimmer tying the knot. I don’t know what the big deal is, I didn’t make a fuss when one of my Friends got married.
Continue ReadingNothing turns me on more …
Nothing turns me on more than the thought of seeing my wife in fishnets… …Getting dragged along the bottom of the seabed, drowning.
Continue ReadingI found out I was a convi …
I found out I was a convict in my past life. I was shocked.
Continue ReadingI spent all morning talki …
I spent all morning talking to a fellow member of the Xhosa tribe. We just clicked.
Continue ReadingA homeless guy came up t …
A homeless guy came up to me the other day, and he was asking me for money. I was about to give it to him, and then I thought, ‘He’s just gonna use it on drugs or alcohol.’ And then I thought, ‘That’s what I’m gonna use it on. Who am I to judge the […]
Continue ReadingMe and my girlfriend are …
Me and my girlfriend are going to try 69. Honey Chili Chicken with Almonds served with a portion of Fried Rice.
Continue ReadingMy mate came up with anot …
My mate came up with another meaning for the word ‘excellent’ It was very good.
Continue ReadingKnow what’s odd? About ev …
Know what’s odd? About every other number.
Continue ReadingFor nearly a week now I’v …
For nearly a week now I’ve had a man in my garden singing, “Figaro, Figaro, Figaro.” I won a tenor on the lottery.
Continue ReadingMy daughter’s nappy rash …
My daughter’s nappy rash appears to have formed the pattern of a 9×9 grid. Think I need to get her some Sudokucrem.
Continue ReadingThe film “The Social Netw …
The film “The Social Network” is doing worse than expected at the box office. Well, duh, maybe it’s because we’re all at home jerking around on some stupid website.
Continue ReadingWhat’s the difference bet …
What’s the difference between stinking immigrants and Colgate. You’re less likely to find a tube full of Colgate.
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