Whenever I meet someone f …
Whenever I meet someone for the first time I always talk about an obese woman walking on a frozen lake… That usually breaks the ice.
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What doesn’t kill you mak …
What doesn’t kill you makes you older.
Continue ReadingI’ve had the same job for …
I’ve had the same job for 10 years now. I really enjoy it but I only take home 12k a year for my family to survive on. I blow the other 38k on drugs and hookers.
Continue ReadingYou know you’re skint whe …
You know you’re skint when you get caught by a phishing scam and they throw you back.
Continue ReadingI had the worst Nightmare …
I had the worst Nightmare last night, It didn’t scare me at all.
Continue ReadingWhat do you call a Chines …
What do you call a Chinese lumberjack? Chops sticks.
Continue ReadingI didn’t know what irony …
I didn’t know what irony was until I found out that the Inland Revenue tax office is based in Liverpool.
Continue ReadingMy ex-girlfriend told me …
My ex-girlfriend told me to get a life so I took hers
Continue ReadingMy doctor asked me, “Do y …
My doctor asked me, “Do you smoke in the same room as your kids?” I said, “No, my kids smoke in a completely different room.”
Continue ReadingToday has smashed all rec …
Today has smashed all records by being both the hottest and coldest day of the year.
Continue ReadingI have a nervous tick. It …
I have a nervous tick. It can’t suck blood with people watching.
Continue ReadingJust been in the back gar …
Just been in the back garden cutting off some dead heads. Makes it easier to bury the bodies.
Continue ReadingWhy did the stickman go t …
Why did the stickman go to jail? Because he was black.
Continue ReadingI had a fantastic wet dre …
I had a fantastic wet dream last night. It was about a tsunami in the indian ocean which killed 250,000 pakis, indians and darkies.
Continue ReadingI used to steal from Mitc …
I used to steal from Mitch Hedberg. I still do, but I used to, too.
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